The following jokes were originally compiled from contributions by readers of rec.humor and others. Some of these jokes may be considered offensive by some readers. The following document is provided merely for its humor value; the individual(s) and/or service provider(s) who make this document available do not in any way endorse its content. If you feel that you may be offended by the text in the main document, please leave now. THIS IS YOUR WARNING. If you continue reading past this paragraph, you can only hold yourself responsible if you become offended.
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The Canonical List of Polish Jokes
12/15/95
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~1
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak
with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its
end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole
out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the
yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American!
I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
~2
Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.
~3
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
~4
Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke).
~5
Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.
~6
Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.
~7
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.
~8
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
~9
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
~10
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He
drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the
rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step
out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and
start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They
hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and
ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
~11
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A
polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup
truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the
bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the
back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
~12
A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a
naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!...
The Polish guy shot her.
~13
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
~14
Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe?
A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe.
Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable.
~15
Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
~16
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
~17
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that
would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a
Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced
well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and
called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them
how to swim.
~17 (alt)
Did you hear about the new game fish the Illinois Department
of Natural Resources is trying to breed? They took a Coho and crossed
it with a Walleye. They called it a Kowal. It had great taste, and
fought like hell, but wasn't very large. So they crossed it with a
Muskie, and called it a Kowalski. It has the best of everything: it
fights hard, it tastes great, and it grows up to 50 inches. The only
problem is they're having trouble teaching to swim!
~18
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR
LEFT" so they went home.
~19
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are
amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to
the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on
the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X
tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the
same boat?"
~19 (alt)
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a
lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day,
so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The
other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first one takes a small knife and cuts a notch in the
boat's sidewall, to remember the exact location. Of course, it doesn't
work.
The following night, the guy comes along with a large knife
and furiously cuts out the notch.
~20
Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in
Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.
~21
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German
soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each
climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree
where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come
down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next
tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next
tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo,
moo..."
~22
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,
when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal
may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping
out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy
steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it
working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No,
it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
~23
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up
in the country people's fashion.
~24
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe
says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What
do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there
straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
~25
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
~26
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.
~27
A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself
cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the medicine for 7 days,
then return for a checkup.
Seven days later....
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now.
So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.
~28
This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took
off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it
to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
~29
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."
~30
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
~31
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
~32
A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach
looked him over and decided to give him a chance.
"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you
come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the
team."
"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many
days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how
many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in
'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he
knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in
the week that start with 'T'?"
The Polak said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. "And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a
year?"
"Twelve!"
"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was
perplexed.
"Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the
second of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the
Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and
sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"
To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."
~33
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his
collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your
shirt backwards?"
The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I
don't wear my shirt backwards!"
Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts
backwards!"
~34
A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box
that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,
but what would you want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and
forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
~35
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.
~36
A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not
quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I _am_ Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
~37
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to
spin the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
~38
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor
and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the
plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he
himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down
together. The Polak understood and was ready.
The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The
Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for
a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping
from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute
did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute
open, darted past the Polak.
The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his
parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
~39
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
~40
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
~41
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the
Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind
towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years,
_but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their
prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out
totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out
rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and
says, "Has anyone got a light?"
~42
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are
many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet
one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all
interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy
lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been
trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just
can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these
women. What do they *want*?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What
you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming
suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very queekly
zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the
store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back
to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck
with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you
again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I
*still* haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go
to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and
walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly
zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the
potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look
at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to
the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and
I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I
do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle
beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee
sweeming suit?"
~43
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in
Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR
and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA
and asks the Americans:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse
me?"
~44
One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the
foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the
Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men
work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure
chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their
wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around
madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish
workman's hand and earnestly says "Sir, we will share this just like
Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says,
"Oh no, 50 - 50".
~45
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel
(in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been
mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the
party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk
insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed
dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but
eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his
way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make
friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of
tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests
are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very*
drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After
sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them
anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a
floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone
he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room
immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to
horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a
few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their
bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to
himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about
to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he
appreciated your little joke last night!"
~46
Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but,
since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up
doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous
because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside
the door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says
the Madam.
"I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she
farted and flew out the window!"
~47
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
~48
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea
when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
~49
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown
paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do
you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish
in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can
guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many
fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
~50
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and
subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
~51
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of Poland.
~52
Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest
Service.
~53
A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the
desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start
walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to
get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he
saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher
noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he
was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are
you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that
since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he
was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking
toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?"
asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that
since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he
had the bread.
Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the
sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you
dragging that car door?"
"Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, so if it
gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
~54
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
~55
Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a
theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."
~56
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an
overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure
their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at
the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go
for it!"
~57
Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an
airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the
windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how
short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"
The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right!
That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers
to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency
landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to
just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the
ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot
was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST
before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was
CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"
~58
Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training.
~59
Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got
them bronzed.
~60
A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the
doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been
taking them regulary?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've
been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
~61
Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women.
~62
The Polish government was tired of being the brunt of so many
jokes about their stupidity so they decided to start a building
project to prove that they weren't as dumb as the rest of the world
made them out to be.
"Gentlemen," said the Minister of Public Works, "we have
decided that we can prove to the world that we aren't as dumb as the
world says we are by building the world's largest suspension bridge!"
The assembly 'oohed' and 'ahhed' with appreciation. "But to REALLY
show our intellectual superiority, we are going to build it in the
most conspicuous and difficult place on Earth--the Sahara Desert!"
Suddenly the assemblage erupted in mass confusion. Everyone was
shouting, and slapping the Minister of Public Works on the back. They
all agreed that this would settle this stupidity issue once and for
all. And so they commenced to building.
Several months passed before the government council reconvened.
The Minister of Public Works sadly took the pulpit. "As you have no
doubt heard gentlemen, the suspension bridge construction project is
an unmitigated disaster. The world is laughing even harder at us than
ever before. We shall have to destroy it."
The Minister of Foreign Relations asked for the floor. "I'm
sorry to report this, gentlemen, but we cannot destroy the bridge."
Once again the government council broke out into mass confusion.
Shouts of consternation were heard on every tongue. Finally, the
hubbub died down enough for the Minister of Foreign Relations to be
heard. "I know, I know," he cried, "but we just cannot get it torn
down. Every crew we have sent there winds up fishing off of the
side!"
~63
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
~64
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
~65
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the
international science convention, where all the countries of the world
gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The
scientists listened to the United States describe how they were
another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were
preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a
car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to
speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This,
of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned
to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"
~66
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could
not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
~67
The Polish were entrenched on the front opposite the Germans during
one of the battles of WWII. As hard as they tried, the Germans
couldn't hit any of the Polish soldiers because they kept low in the
ditches. Finally one of the Germans hit upon an idea. "Hey Krachevski,
is that you?" he yelled at the Polish trench.
Krachevski stood up in his trench and said, "Yeah, it's me!"
and was immediately shot by the Germans.
The Polish soldiers pondered this over and decided that it was
a good idea. "Is that you, Wilhelm?" one of the Polish soldiers yelled
to the German trench.
"Yeah, it's me Markowski," replied one of the German soldiers.
"Why don't you come over here?"
"OK, I'm coming...."
Bang!
~68
Polish executive sexually harassing his secretary: "Either I'm going
to masturbate in my office right now or you're going to lose your job."
~69
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell toboggan.
~70
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.
~71
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
~72
There was once a Polak who was extremely sad with life because
people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He
sat back and thought about it. Suddenly he thought - "I have never
seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and
behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am Polish
and make fun of me." He went into isolation for three months and
after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said,
"I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."
Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a
Polak?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The
man behind the counter said, "Are you a Polak or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop
owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which
he asked, "But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"
~73
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.
~74
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
~75
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade
Russia.
~76
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
~77
A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the
telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied.
The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone
so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles. At the end of
the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had
installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians
were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated
because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the
ground.
~78
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem)
A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
~79
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
A: Every man for himself.
~80
There's a toll free number you can call that's a recording of a Polish
joke. There's a different joke every day. Just dial 1-800-POLISH-Q.
~81
THE OFFICIAL POLISH SEX QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that
seems most correct (True or False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign
your name) under the appropriate heading on the right side.
TRUE FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. |______|______|
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. |______|______|
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. |______|______|
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.|______|______|
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. |______|______|
6. A G-string is part of a violin. |______|______|
7. Semen is another word for "sailor". |______|______|
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". |______|______|
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. |______|______|
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. |______|______|
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. |______|______|
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. |______|______|
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. |______|______|
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". |______|______|
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. |______|______|
16. A condom is an apartment complex. |______|______|
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir | | |
in church. |______|______|
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. |______|______|
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. |______|______|
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new | | |
government officials. |______|______|
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. |______|______|
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. |______|______|
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. |______|______|
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. |______|______|
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" |______|______|
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. |______|______|
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. |______|______|
~82
Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the
usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped
forward and screamed "That's her!!"
~83
WARSAW, Poland (AP) -- A man who wanted to practice shooting
was hospitalized Monday after his dog shot him.
The unidentified man left his gun unattended in the yard of
his summer house to prepare a target when his dog accidentally pulled
the trigger while sniffing around, the PAP news agency reported.
Surgeons removed five dozen pellets from the man's body, but
his wounds were not considered life-threatening.
The incident occurred in the northern town of Bytow.
~84
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
~85
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.
~86
These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting
on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another
nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up
another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his
friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails
away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for
the other side of the house!"
~87
Three men were all applying for the same job as a
detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather
than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief
decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision
upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief
asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed
him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief
asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."
Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked
the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,
"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but
get back to me tomorrow."
When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the
interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already
investigating a murder!"
~88
Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.
~89
Polish knock-knock joke:
First Pole: Knock-Knock!
Second Pole: Come in!
~90
I had a friend that was a very good Polish joke teler and we
were at a local tavern on day and having a few beers.....he began
telling Polish jokes.
The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he
finally came over to out table and said..."I am polish and I can take
a Polish joke as well as the next Polok but your continued bashing of
my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?
We did.
Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and
the burley Polok got up and followed him into the bathroom. They were
in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my
friend what "What happened in there?" He said "Well, you saw him
follow me into the can.......Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME! Really
scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a
pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN! :-)
~91
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy
came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened
intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about
the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself,
"Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these
days?"
~92
Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make
conversation with guy at next table. "Want to hear the worlds's worst
Polish Joke?"
#2 says "Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you
something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean
motherfuckers-??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar?
They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal,
I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?"
"Hell no!", replies #1, "I don't want to have to explain it 6
times!"
~93
I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.
~94
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
~95
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
~96
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the
bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him
remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found
it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old
country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part
of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other.
"This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's
get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did
you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I
graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's
get another shot."
But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting
home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin'
Liszjewski twins are here again."
~97
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.
~98
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
~99
Q: How do you confuse a Polak?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
~100
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
~101
~102
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
~103
Q: How do Polaks form a car pool?
A: They meet at work.
~104
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
~105
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
night?
A: A new last name.
~106
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.
~107
After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to
locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came
across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this
Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."
"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the
search.
A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.
"Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley
shrugged and they walked on.
Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which
he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.
"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."
~108
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but
was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his
pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of
the muggers incredulously.
"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were
after the $400 in my shoe!"
~109
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies
born in the world today is Chinese.
~110
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she
was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
~111
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the
boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do
they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"I dunno."
"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to
do as they do."
So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat
down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked inside his
wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you
get?"
~112
Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when
they notice each other. One invites the other one over. "I can't
swim", he replies. "Why don't you come over here?"
The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What are we gonna
do?"
First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it on,
and you walk across the beam to this side."
The second guy replies, "No way! I'll get half-way across, and
you'll turn the flashlight off!"
~113
Kowalski and Lisjewski are hard at work cleaning out the sewer
on a sweltering day in July, beneath the streets of the
Bronx. Kowalski says, "I really hate this crummy smelly job shovellin'
shit!"
Lisjewski says, "Yuh! Me too, I hate it."
K says, "How come you and me is down here underground
shovellin' shit and breakin' our backs, when Rafaelli is up there
sittin' in the truck with the air-conditioner on, smokin' cigarettes
and readin' the newspaper? That's what I'd like to know!"
L says, "Yuh! How come izzat?"
K says, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going up there and
I'm gonna say that to Rafaelli just like I said it to you, and then
we'll see what he's got to say."
L says, "Yuh, go up there and ask 'im what you said."
So K brushes the scuzz off his pants, and climbs up the ladder
to the street and goes over to the truck, and motions Rafaelli to come
out. R says, "Whattayou want, Kowalski? And hurry up, it's hot out
here."
K says, "Well, I just wanna know one thing, Rafaelli. Howcum
me 'n' Lisjewski is down there underground shovellin' shit, and yer up
here in the air-conditionin', smokin' cigarettes all day? How come?"
R smiles and says, "Is that all you wanted to know? That's
real easy, Kowalski." He holds his hand out in front of the heavy iron
truck bed and says, "OK, Kowalski, hit my hand real hard."
K unloads a huge haymaker and, of course, R pulls his hand
away quickly. K smashes his fist against the truck.
OK, Kowalski," says R, "*That's* the reason why I get to stay
up here in the truck, and you and L gotta shovel shit in the sewer. Do
you get it now?"
K nods and returns to the ladder, rubbing his hand. When he
gets back down into the tunnel, L is waiting for him - "What'd he say,
Kowalski? How come izzit that Rafaelli gets to sit up there in the
truck, and we gotta come down here and shovel shit?"
K says, "I don't know if you're gonna be able to understand
this but I'll try to explain it just like Rafaelli told me. Now...
hit my hand real hard..." and Kowalski holds his hand up in front of
his face....
~114
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are
scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American
and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"
They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German
in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the
dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and
shouts "Fire!"
~115
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the
French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The
executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any
last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may
live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's
neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any
final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have
mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the
American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has
any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."
~116
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first
day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second
day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a
mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem
was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther
and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
~117
There are three construction workers on top of a building
having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The
Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak
has knackwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the
same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball
hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The
Oriental says that if he gets noodles tomorrow he will also throw it
off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knackwurst
tomorrow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their
lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles
respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The
Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask
him how he knew that it was knackwurst again without even looking. He
responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
~118
A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his
back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but
why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the
top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood
for you in one day."
So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he
decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the
chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak
asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all
day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning the Polak gets up
at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and
he only manages to cut five cords.
The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me
it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer", the Polak says to himself. The
very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains
the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the
chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then
the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, "What's
that noise?"
~119
A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were
deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to
O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a
free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's
with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Polak said "That sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski's
we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and
get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman
exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Polak replied, "but my wife goes there all the
time."
~120
Q: What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
A: The four-ten split.
(hint: four-ten is when these bowling pins remain standing)
~121
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
~122
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
~123
Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Polish burglar.
~124
Polish condom, has air holes.
~125
Q: Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
~126
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
~127
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom
letter.
~128
Q: A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German soldier and a
charging Russian soldier. Which did he shoot first, and why?
A: He shot the German first--business before pleasure.
~129
POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
artery the study of fine painting
barium what you do when the patient dies
benign what you are after you are eight
caesarian section a district in Rome
colic a sheep dog
congenital friendly
dilate to live long
fester quicker
G.I. series baseball game between soldiers
hangnail coat hook
medical staff a doctors cane
minor operation coal digger
morbid a higher offer
nitrate lower than the day rate
node was aware of
organic church musician
out-patient a person who has fainted
post-operative a letter carrier
protein in favor of young people
secretion hiding anything
serology study of English knighthood
tablet a small table
tumor an extra pair
urine opposite of your out
varicose veins veins very close together
~130
Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure
trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good
pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some- what amusing and so he
goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars,
discotheques.... This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul
does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have
held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps
something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days
at a stretch. At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police
station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of
the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:
Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you
shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you
have is CORRECT?
Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?
Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar,
everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with two
ass-holes."
~130 (alt)
For five years, two Poles and an Italian have worked side by
side every day as window washers, and every night after work they
stopped for a drink. One day, disaster struck, and the Italian fell to
his death. The police came to the site and began asking questions.
"Where does he live?" The Poles shrugged their shoulders. "Is
he married?" The Poles didn't know. "What is his NAME?" The Poles
shrugged again. "You worked with this guy for five years and you don't
know anything about him?" the cop asked.
"I know something about him," one Polak volunteered. "He has
two assholes."
"What are you talking about?" said the cop.
"Well," said the Polak, "Whenever we go for a drink after work
the bartended says, 'Here comes the dago with the two assholes.'"
~131
Two Polish hunters were out looking for pheasant when they
came upon the local farmer's daughter, sitting naked on a fence,
sunning herself.
The first hunter asked, "Are you game?"
She replied, "I sure am, Honey!"
The second hunter shot her.
~132
Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual
cycle in on a Honda?
~133
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was
looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving
you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."
The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah,
nyah--I wasn't even home last night."
~134
Happened some time ago when late Leonid Brezhnev was still in
charge in Russia and the good old communist party ruled in
Poland. Brezhnev was coming to an official visit and the Polish
Central Committee was planning the celebrations. Says one: "There are
no major works of art in our collections that would show Lenin
visiting Poland. We could order a painting from one of our
contemporary artists, in real socialistic realism style and all, and
unveil it as a highlight of our formal dinner with Brezhnev."
Everybody is cheering. What a wonderful idea! Until the young
colonel Jaruzelski, Committee member and expert in political history,
makes a disappointing remark: "Unfortunately, comrades, I must tell
you that during his most celebrated and honourable life, Lenin never
visited Poland."
Fierce discussion follows. Art must tell the truth, that's
agreed upon, so the artist must not lie to the people by painting a
fictitious situation. Finally, a young and promising painter is
brought in front of the committee, and he surprises everybody by
promising that he can make a painting from the subject "Lenin in
Poland" with nothing fictitious in it.
The great day arrives and Brezhnev's visit is a success. In
the evening, the big formal dinner is held at the Cultural Palace of
Warsaw. The huge, veiled painting hangs on the wall opposite Brezhnev
and Chairman Gierek. Bottles of champagne are prepared, trumpets play
a short and jubilous signal, and the silk-thin veil is dropped to the
floor with a roar of applause...which suddenly dies into a nasty
silence. Some hasty whispers, and the poor artist is most promptly
brought in front of chairman Gierek, who asks "My comrade, you were
given the subject 'Lenin in Poland.' Could you explain, who is that
young lady in your painting who lies naked on the pillows?"
"Comrade chairman, she is Anna Fjeodorovna, Lenin's wife."
"Oh yes... but who is that greedy-looking bearded fellow who
is kissing her navel?"
"He is Prince Jusupof, the famous Russian Don-Juan from the
beginning of the century."
"But.. BUT WHERE IS LENIN?"
"Comrade Chairman, Lenin is in Poland."
~135
A Polak was moving some furniture from Krakow to Warsaw on a
horse-drawn carriage. The road was long, and the man was alone. A few
days in the trip he begins to think of women, and so he became
horny. With nothing to satisfy his manly needs, he decided to do it
with the horse.
Knowing that the horse's rear end is quite high, the Polak
looks for a stool among the furniture. He finds one, brings it down,
places it behind the horse, stands on it and is ready to perform the
act when the horse moves one step forward. The Polak, frustrated, gets
down from the stool, picks it up, places it again behind the horse,
gets up on it and tries to do it when the horse moves one more step
forward. Being very determined, the Polak repeats the process, and
again the horse moves one step forward.
Step by step, the ordeal lasts for a couple of miles when
suddenly the Polak spots a woman being attacked by a band of
robbers. Being strong and armed himself, he saves the woman's
life. The woman then tells him that she would be willing to do
ANYTHING for him because he saved her life. He asks her to hold the
horse.
~136
Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke bottle in Poland?
A: Open other end.
~137
Did you know that, on the top of all Polish ladders, they have a STOP
sign?
~138
Q: Why do the Pope's slippers have "T.G.I.F." on them?
A: It means "Toes go in first."
~139
An Englishman, a Texan and a Polak are lost in the Nevada
desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half
buried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since
they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish. The
Texan goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where
his pool was filled with beautiful women. The claps his hands and the
Texan vanishes in a flash of light. The Englisman wishes to be
transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly
awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and the Englishman
vanishes. The Polak sits down and thinks about what he should wish
for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly
wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back.
~140
This Polish guy gets married, but on his wedding night he
doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but
finally his wife gets fed up and says, "Al, you big dummy! You're
supposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!"
So he got his bowling bowl and put it in the sink.
~141
Two Polaks are riding across Europe on a 727, a 3-engined
plane, when the pilot announces, "Folks, we just had one engine go
out, but don't worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines, but
we're going to be about 1 hour late getting into Warsaw."
An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again, "Folks,
don't get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don't
worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine, but now
we'll be about 2 hours late getting into Warsaw."
After that announcement, one Polak looks at the other and
says, "Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn't go out. We'll be up
here all night."
~142
Did you hear about the Pole who headr on the radio that 90 percent of
all accidents happen within a 10-mile radius of the home? He moved.
~143
Q: How do you break a Pole's finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.
~144
Q: What's the smallest room in the world?
A: The Polish Hall of Fame.
~145
Q: Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the football game?
A: $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
~146
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They lost the recipe.
~147
Q: Why don't Polish women breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.
~148
Q: Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
A: Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
~149
Q: What do you call a Pole with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
~150
In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"
In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"
~151
You may recall that Polish jokes and Italian jokes used to run
about equal numbers, but lately polish jokes predominate. This is
because both sides grew tired of being denigrated and decided to have
a game of football to see who should get all the jokes - loser to take
on the jokes.
The game was held, and was hard-fought. But it was a scoreless
tie, so they went into sudden-death overtime. After about 5 minutes, a
train passing nearby blew its whistle. The Poles thought that was the
end of the game and left the field. Three plays later, the Italians
scored and won, thus making the Poles take the jokes.
~152
Q: Where does a Polak hide his money?
A: Under the Soap.
~153
Q: Did you hear about the Polish airliner that crashed?
A: It ran out of coal.
~154
Q: How are a hockey goalie and a Polish woman alike?
A: They both change their pads after 3 periods.
~155
Q: Why did the two Poles get married in a bathtub?
A: They wanted a double ring ceremony.
~156
Q: Why do Polaks bury their dead with their asses in the air?
A: So they have a place to park their bikes.
~157
Q: Why aren't there any suicides in Poland?
A: You can't kill yourself jumping out of a basement window.
~158
Q: How did the Polak break his arm while raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
~159
Q: Why couldn't the Polak go water-skiing?
/
A: He couldn't find a lake like this: /
/
~160
Q: What does it say above the urinals in Poland?
A: Please do not eat the little white mints!
~161
Q: How do you recognize the bride at a Polish wedding?
A: She's the one with the braided armpits.
~162
Q: What do you call a pool full of Polish beauty queens?
A: Bay of Pigs.
~163
Q: Why the Polish workers only get 10 minutes for lunch?
A: Longer than that and it takes too long to retrain them.
~164
Q: What do you end up with when three Poles get together?
A: Two newspapers and three political parties.
~165
Q: How could Poland turn the Sahara into fertile land?
A: Set up a 5-year plan for the production of sand in North Africa.
At the end of that time the Arabs would be importing the stuff.
~166
Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist who burned his lips on
the tailpipe of bus he was told to blow up?
~167
There was a white guy, a black guy, and a Polak driving down
the road and their car broke down. They walked to the nearest house
and knocked on the door. They asked the farmer if they could stay in
his barn for the night because their car broke down and it was getting
late. The farmer agreed and led them to the barn.
The barn had two hay lofts in it. The black guy slept in the
top loft, the white guy slept in the middle loft, and the Polak slept
on the floor. The black guy woke up in the middle of the night
because he had to take a dump. He didn't want to crawl down because
he was afraid he would wake up his friends. So instead he crapped in
his pillow case and threw it down to the floor.
The next morning, the farmer came in and asked them if they
had slept well.
The black guy said, "Yeah, I slept pretty good."
The white guy said, "I slept pretty good too."
The Polak said, "I slept allright, but I woke up in the middle
of the night and saw a ghost. Oh, but don't worry--I beat the shit out
of it."
~168
A Polak walked into a bar with a handful of shit and said, "Hey, look
what I almost stepped in!"
~169
Q: How does a Polak perform sex "doggie style"?
A: With a bone in his mouth.
~170
Q: Why did the Polak stand on a toilet?
A: He wanted to be high on pot.
~171
Q: Why did the Polish spy bug the enemy's toilet?
A: So he could monitor every movement.
~172
A Polak walked into the neighborhood bar and a neighbor called
"Hey, Karlinski, you idiot! You gotta pull down the shades when you're
humping your old lady... I could see everything last night!"
Karlinski got a big grin on his face. "The joke's on you
Kearny. I wasn't even home last night!"
~173
Letter from a Polish mother to her son, Ignace:
WARSZAWA, POLAND
FEBRUARY 30, 1994
MY DEAREST SON IGNACE,
JUST A FEW LINES TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM STILL ALIVE. EXCUSE ME FOR
TYPING THIS LETTER BUT YOU KNOW THAT I CANNOT READ OR WRITE. ALSO I AM
TYPING SLOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN NOT READ FAST. I AM USING A VERY
OLD TYPEWRITER THAT DOES NOT HAVE ANY LOWER CASE LETTERS, you know,
the ones that look like these.
THEY SAY THAT NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS SO HERE IS NO NEWS. YOU WON'T KNOW
THE HOUSE WHEN YOU COME HOME BECAUSE WE HAVE MOVED. I CAN NOT SEND YOU
THE NEW ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST POLISH FAMILY WHO LIVED HERE TOOK THE
NUMBERS WITH THEM SO THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR ADDRESS.
YOUR FATHER HAS A LOVELY NEW JOB. HE HAS FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE UNDER
HIM. HE IS CUTTING THE GRASS AT THE CEMETERY. THE NEW HOUSE HAS A
WASHING MACHINE BUT IT IS NOT WORKING TOO GOOD, LAST WEEK, I PUT IN 14
SHIRTS, PULLED THE CHAIN AND I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. THIS MORNING
YOUR SISTER HAD A BABY BUT THEY DID NOT SAY IF IT IS A BOY OR GIRL SO
I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ARE AN UNCLE OR AN AUNT. I LEFT AN EMPTY CARTON
OF MILK IN THE ICEBOX BECAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK WHEN
YOU COME HOME.
YOUR AUNT CHRISTINE GAVE UP BIRTH CONTROL PILLS WHEN YOUR UNCLE JOHN
BOUGHT A CONDOMINIUM. YOUR FATHER DID NOT HAVE MUCH TO DRINK ON
CHRISTMAS. I PUT A BOTTLE OF CASTOR OIL IN HIS BEER WHICH KEPT HIM
GOING UNTIL NEW YEAR'S DAY. I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ON THURSDAY AND YOUR
FATHER WENT WITH ME. THE DOCTOR PUT A SMALL GLASS TUBE IN MY MOUTH AND
SAID NOT TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR 12 MINUTES. YOUR FATHER OFFERED TO BUY
THE GLASS TUBE FROM HIM.
NOW FOR THE BAD NO NEWS. YOUR UNCLE DICK DROWNED LAST WEEK IN A VAT OF
WHISKEY AT THE WHISKEY FACTORY. SOME OF HIS FELLOW WORKERS DIVED IN TO
SAVE HIM BUT HE FOUGHT THEM OFF BRAVELY. WE HAD THE BODY CREMATED AND
IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
IT RAINED ONLY TWICE LAST WEEK, ONCE FOR THREE DAYS AND ONCE FOR FOUR
DAYS. MONDAY THE WIND WAS SO BAD THAT ONE CHICKEN LAID THE SAME EGG
FOUR TIMES. ALSO WE DON'T HAVE ANY ICE HERE ANYMORE BECAUSE THE LADY
WITH THE RECIPE MOVED. WE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE UNDERTAKER. HE
SAID IF THE LAST INSTALLMENT WAS NOT PAID ON YOUR GRANDMOTHER UP SHE
COMES. REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND TOM? WELL, HE IS NO LONGER IN THIS
WORLD. HIS FATHER DIED AND WANTED TO BE BURIED AT SEA AND POOR TOM
DROWNED DIGGING THE GRAVE.
YOUR LOVING MOTHER,
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU SOME MONEY BUT I ALREADY SEALED THE
ENVELOPE.
~174
~~