Subject: REVIEW: BARB WIRE (1996)

From: [email-masked] (Andrew Hicks)
Date: 23 May 1996 15:10:26 GMT

BARB WIRE
                       A film review by Andrew Hicks
                Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions

* (out of four)

	Actually, I'm fairly sure the experience of having my flesh 
torn and mutilated by barbed wire would have been more positive than 
watching this movie. "Baywatch" babe Pamela Anderson Lee proves 
once and for all that she should keep her Double-D's on the small 
screen. At least there you don't have to pay to see her cleavage. 
And for those viewers out there who would only lay down money 
for this movie in hopes of seeing Pam topless, hate to burst your 
bubble, but there are no full-fledged nude scenes in BARB WIRE. 

	You wouldn't be reading this review right now if I had known 
that fact going in. I can't go back in time and reverse my mistake, but I 
can warn other horny teenage boys out there. They do tease us a 
few times with scenes where you almost see her topless but if she 
is nude, it's so quick you can't even tell for sure whether you're 
seeing her Andersons or not. A nipple hallucination sort of 
thing.

	BARB WIRE was adapted from a comic book, interesting 
because Pamela is probably the only woman who looks like a comic 
book character in real life, even wearing low-cut leather to do office 
work (businesswoman bondage wear) and having unreal body 
proportions. Yes, like the Mona Lisa, Pamela Anderson is a 
man-made beauty, probably in more senses than one. 

	She is a definite beauty, though, and looking at her is never 
an unpleasant experience. You'd just think the woman who began her 
career as a Playboy playmate wouldn't have any reservations about 
appearing nude in the movie, because it's obvious she wasn't pulling 
a Sharon Stone and trying to make people pay attention to her acting 
skills. I mean, she shows off more cleavage here than a jeweler's 
convention.

	The movie is set in the year 2017, "the worst year of my 
life," Pam says. ("The worst movie of the year," I say.) America is 
going through a second Civil War and Pamela is a nightclub owner 
in the only free city in the nation (Silicone Valley, I think). She also 
hires herself out as a bounty hunter when the price is right, posing 
as first a stripper and later as a prostitute.

	But don't call her "babe." She hates that, and reminds us of 
that fact way too many times. Imagine, a woman who does a trapeze 
strip tease in a bar while having a hose sprayed on her being referred 
to in such a sexist, demeaning term. A liberated woman like Pamela 
Anderson shouldn't have to hear words like "babe" during a strip 
tease, especially since that movie about the talking pig was such a 
success.

	The plot (ha-ha) revolves around a pair of contact lenses 
that allow their wearer to pass through the Congressional Directorate's 
retina scanners. In the words of one of the characters, they're "more 
than meets the eye." Reminds me of the "Transformers" cartoon, 
and I sure wished the movie could somehow be transformed into 
something decent, but that never happened. No, the movie just 
continued on its path of lame action scenes starring Pamela 
Van-Damme, big-busted kickboxer, and her resistance accomplices, 
ex-boyfriend Axel (Tamuera Morrison) and Cora (Victoria Rowell). 
Thank God they didn't name her Cora Reef. One bad character 
name is more than enough.

	Pamela originally doesn't take sides, giving some speech 
about she's only loyal to the money they pay her, but she changes 
her mind once the Congressional Bastards kill her blind brother, Jack 
Noseworthy of Bon Jovi "Always" video fame. I still don't know if 
BARB WIRE is a step up or step down for Noseworthy, but he 
definitely is nose worthy (even if he isn't sponge worthy). Pam gets 
ready to avenge his death by grabbing up an armful of semi-automatic 
weapons and strapping an ammunitions belt to her chest. It's not 
Rambo... it's Bimbo!

	Mark my words, BARB WIRE will be all over the Cinemax 
network in a year. It's got all the elements of the direct-to-video 
releases featured on HBO's bastard cousin, the cable channel I'd 
never watch if it didn't somehow come free. It's got the non-titillating 
scenes of voyeurism, laughable flashbacks, bad dialogue and action 
cliches out the wazzoo. There's even a narrator at the beginning 
setting up the movie's premise while the words scroll up the screen. 
Someone needs to tell Pamela the Wookie this ain't STAR WARS.

	If you've seen any action flick of the past fifteen years, 
you'll recognize plenty of lifted elements. BARB WIRE has the 
obligatory trucks flipping over, car crashes, explosions, broken 
glass and slow-motion shots of bodies falling hundreds of feet to 
their death. This is one of those automatic-pilot movies anyone 
could write or direct. BARB WIRE has only two things going for it... 
and I think you know what those two things are.

--

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