Subject: Review: Dungeons and Dragons (2000)

From: "John Beachem" <[email-masked]>
Date: 2 Mar 2001 00:54:09 GMT

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

Review by John Beachem

* 1/2

Directed by: Courtney Solomon
Written by: Topper Lilien, Carroll Cartwright

In another world, the Empress Savina (Thora Birch) has decided to eliminate 
the caste system by making commoners equal to mages. The mage council, led 
by the ambitious Profion (Jeremy Irons), obviously doesn't like this, and 
demand that Savina turn her scepter of what's his face over to them. The 
scepter gives its user control of gold dragons. Profion decides that to 
combat the empress, he must obtain the rod of so and so, which will give him 
control of red dragons. He sends his henchman, Damodar (Bruce Payne), after 
it. Meanwhile, two thieves, Ridley and Snails (Justin Whalin and Marlon 
Wayans), and a young apprentice wizard named Marina (Zoe McLellan) are 
trying to locate the rod so they can destroy it for the empress. They team 
up with a drunken dwarf (Lee Arenberg) in desperate need of a napkin, and an 
elven tracker (Kristen Wilson) in desperate need of a personality, and go 
out to face the armies that await them. Yet time is running out for the 
Empress, and Profion is gaining more and more allies in the council. Can our 
heroes succeed? Will justice prevail? Will you manage to stay awake?

I have to admit, when I first heard about the Dungeons and Dragons project a 
couple of years back, I was rather looking forward to it. I'd enjoyed the 
game years ago, and we get so few fantasy movies I thought it would be a 
nice change of pace. Then, perhaps eight months ago, I saw the first screen 
shots from the film and doubts began to form in my mind. It would appear 
these doubts were well justified. In fact, it could be argued that Dungeons 
and Dragons is the worst film of the year (though in my opinion that crown 
still belongs to Battlefield Earth). Yet in some ways, the film reminded me 
more of Highlander: Endgame, in that it should never have hit the big 
screens, but been marketed as a direct to video release. The special effects 
are of the same cheesy lot found on afternoon action shows like "Xena: 
Warrior Princess" (I know, after Dragonheart no dragon would look good 
enough, but these are really bad); the costumes look like they were 
purchased at the local Halloween costume shop; the acting is so atrocious it 
cannot be adequately described; and the story will most likely baffle those 
over the age of 12 who have never played the role playing game.

Can no one act in this god forsaken movie?! That's the thought that was 
running through my head throughout the film, and alas, it seems no one 
could. Justin Whalin (Jimmy Olsen from "Lois and Clark") leads our 
talentless cast with a performance that would have been more appropriate to 
your average high school play. Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie) goes out of his 
way to prove he's the least talented Wayans brother. His brand of completely 
out of place ghetto speech is so annoying it might just make you wish Jar 
Jar Binks would show up (well... maybe not that annoying). Zoe McLellan is 
certainly attractive, but don't expect her to win any major awards for her 
performance other than the razzie. Bruce Payne (Highlander: Endgame, what do 
you know?) is painfully bad as the bald, lipstick wearing, and not even 
remotely intimidating Damodar. The man's idea of acting consists of 
whispering horrible dialogue while contorting his face into various looks of 
disgust (possibly at his lines). Amongst a legion of bad actors, Payne 
stands out as the worst. I'm still in shock that Jeremy Irons (The Mission) 
of all people actually signed on to this movie, but there he is, hamming it 
up like you've never seen before. At least he seems to be having a good 
time, even if the audience isn't. As for Thora Birch, who showed real 
promise with her performance in American Beauty, all her talent seems to 
have vanished into thin air. Of course, she only has about ten minutes of 
screen time, and in a movie filled with really horrible dialogue, she gets 
the worst. Every word that comes out of her mouth is simply dripping with 
cheese. An example of her average line would be "I know this within the 
depths of my soul." Ouch. Of course, she delivers all these lines in the 
same, monotone voice, which somehow manages to make them even worse. Tom 
Baker, Doctor Who himself, turns up briefly as the king of the elves; one of 
the film's few pleasant surprises.

When a film starts with a voice-over narration explaining things that still 
don't make any sense afterwards, you know you're in for a bumpy ride. 
Unfortunately, this movie wasn't just bumpy, it was more like being stuck in 
a hurricane for an hour and a half. This piece of garbage has single 
handedly destroyed the good name of D&D. Wait, it didn't have a good name... 
that's a neat trick. In addition to the horrible effects, costumes, 
dialogue, acting, direction, sets, etc., the film makes one more major 
blunder. At times, it actually tries to convey some sort of moral message. 
When the film tries to be profound, it's really, really bad. When it sticks 
to being light-hearted and kind of goofy, it's.... really, really bad. 
You're no doubt wondering if a movie called Dungeons and Dragons has any 
dungeons. There are legions of cheesy looking dragons, and yes, there is one 
dungeon. It consists of Ridley going through three different traps while a 
group of thieves watch, betting on whether or not he'll survive. We're told 
that countless people have tried to beat these traps and failed. I don't 
know who these people were, but they must have been blind and wheel-chair 
bound since I could have beaten these traps and I'm none too light on my 
feet.

The question now, is what could have been done to improve this movie? Well, 
targeting things at an adult audience would have helped. Perhaps with a real 
adult cast (I'm so tired of teenage "actors" I can't see straight), and a 
real adult director (this is Solomon's first film and it shows), and a real 
adult script (why do all bad movies seem to have multiple writers?), this 
could have been something. In other words, if you had completely changed 
everything about the movie, it could have been tolerable. So is there 
anything good about this movie other than Tom Baker's appearance? Well, the 
final battle scene is alright, I suppose, in a cartoonish sort of way. It 
features a lot of obviously fake dragons battling it out over an obviously 
fake city while obviously fake actors playing wizards hurl fireballs at 
them. As for the film's score, by composer Justin Caine Burnett (who? 
exactly), it's perfectly suited to the movie because it's just as irritating 
and cheesy as the antics on screen. Dungeons and Dragons runs 105 minutes, 
although it will feel like three times that. I'd recommend the film to fans 
of cheesy movies, because this is one of the cheesiest I've seen in some 
time; and to people who thought Battlefield Earth was unfairly panned. I 
give it one and a half out of five stars.

Comments? Send to: [email-masked]

Past reviews can be found at:
http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem

* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year.
* * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one.
* * * - Okay movie, hits and misses.
* * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk.
* - See this one only if you enjoy pain.
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