Subject: RETROSPECTIVE: EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977)

From: [email-masked] (Andrew Hicks)
Date: 3 Sep 1996 18:33:57 GMT

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS
                       A film review by Andrew Hicks
                Copyright 1996 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions

(1977) 0 (out of four)

	In the vast realm of bad 70's horror movies involving the 
nature kingdom on the rampage, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS is the 
queen of the colony. This adaptation of the H.G. "Orson" Welles 
story starts out like your typical Discovery channel nature film, 
with shots of ants doing their business while the voiceover narrator 
explains how organized and intelligent they are, and that the queen 
ant controls the colony through a substance known as pheremone. 
Lest we be too concerned with possible foreshadowing, the 
narrator reminds us that pheremone is "business better left 
to the ants."

	Cut to the opening credits, during which an evil 
corporation dumps barrels of radioactive waste on an island. One 
barrel breaks open and your stock yellow ooze comes pouring out 
as a line of ants marches by. Meanwhile, Dynasty Joan Collins 
meets an ensemble cast of terrible actors for a boat ride (a three 
hour tour, a three hour tour) to her island, where she tries to 
unload worthless real-estate on a group of potential buyers.

	There's the old couple, the gigolo in a leisure suit, 
the depressed drunk in a leisure suit, the beautiful blonde, the 
soft-spoken brunette and her boyfriend, the washout career woman, Joan's rented boat captain and her male assistant who, Joan says, 
is "so good in the sack that it almost justifies the excessive salary 
I have to pay you." That line of dialogue sets the tone for a movie 
full of awful Ed Wood-quality lines. I don't usually take notes 
during a movie, but EMPIRE OF THE ANTS had so much quotable 
bad dialogue that I knew I'd forget it all if I didn't write it down. 
Ninety minutes and two notebook pages later, here I am writing 
the review.

	The group mingles for awhile as Joan tries to decide which 
ones are actually interested in buying and which ones are just there 
for the free food and liquor. First, the leisure-suit gigolo tries to hit 
on the beautiful blonde, who tells him, "I thought you were one of 
those macho types whose brains fall out every time he unzips his 
fly." He shoots back, "What is this, group therapy?" and you can 
tell he's mad because his oversized shirt collars are flaring. Then the 
washout woman hits on the depressed drunk, who tells her, "I'm a 
bad investment." The whole time, the ants are lurking in the woods 
watching through their compound eyes (which the camera lets us 
look through several hundred times) while a ripoff of the JAWS 
theme plays in the background.

	Joan leads them all on a tram tour of the island, extolling 
the features of the land, when they come across the dead body of 
one of the workers. Everyone screams for awhile before the drunk 
decides to take charge and remembers two of the buyers were left 
behind on the last tram stop. He asks, "Who will go out there with 
me?" and looks around at the men. "No, not me," says the old guy. 
"I'm an old man. We only came because it was free. We take these 
tours all the time. Nothing like this ever happened, though." Even 
at the cost of a life, Joan is still happy to have weeded out two of 
the moochers.

	The drunk and the beautiful blonde run off into the woods 
while Joan and the others drive the tram at double speed (all of ten 
miles an hour) to the shore. By this point the ants have built a 
makeshift bridge to the boat and are crawling along it. "What the 
hell are they?!" someone yells as the captain swims out to his boat, 
where even with an axe, he can't stand up to a pair of sharp ant 
fangs. The boat explodes and the ants scatter.

	The remaining victims build a fire on the beach, realizing 
that will keep the ants away for awhile. But the gigolo reminds 
them, "They're waiting. They're out there waiting until the fire dies. 
Can't you hear them?!" Meanwhile, the old woman cries out, "All 
we wanted was to enjoy what was left of our life. Is that bad?" as 
if the whole incident was their punishment for sneaking onto a free 
boat tour. Cue the thunderstorm (watch for the animated rain) to 
put their fire out. Cue squeaky "ant" sound effects.

	Someone comes up with the brilliant idea that they run to 
the other side of the island, where a canoe is waiting, and they take 
off. Of course, they run into a few ants along the way and end up 
separated. The old people wait in a shed until the storm stops. When 
they finally emerge, the old man announces, "I told you we'd be safe 
now," right before thirty giant ants close in on them. The merciful 
EMPIRE OF THE ANTS director cuts away before the old people 
get gored.

	Everyone else makes it to the boat, where the characters 
continue bitching at each other. Joan insists she's still the boss and 
tells the captain to row in one direction. He invites her to take over 
the rowing duties, she says, "Very funny," although I'm not sure if 
she's referring to his comment or the movie in general. At the 
urging of the gigolo, they end up taking the wrong fork in the river 
and being surrounded by ants. As the washout career woman chides 
him about his lackluster navigational skills (not to mention his 
lackluster acting skills), Joan's assistant reassures the gigolo that, 
"We're all on edge; we say things we don't mean." The gigolo's reply 
is, "Tell that bitch, don't tell me."

	They set foot on land as the ants open a path for them. 
"They're herding us like cattle!" the blonde yells, minutes before the 
ants fall back and they stumble upon civilization. They go straight to 
the cops, alerting them to be on the lookout for "giant ants -- big as 
you are." The captain adds, "These things are vicious as hell!" The 
redneck sheriff takes the news surprisingly well, pledging, "Any 
ants come this way, we'll take care of them!" In the background, 
the mayor of the town is talking about their sugar refinery, subtle 
foreshadowing at its finest.

	But the foreshadowing isn't subtle for long. When the 
island victims realize the cops aren't going to do anything about 
the ants, they steal a car and try to break down a road block. After 
the two-minute "Dukes of Hazzard" chase, they crash into a muddy 
marsh and are apprehended. As the cops are driving them back to 
the city, they pass the sugar refinery. The blonde finally has a 
hunch, saying there's "something funny" about the place. Gee, I 
know it's tough to make the connection between giant ants and a 
giant pile of sugar, but give the audience a little credit for seeing it 
coming.

	Sure enough, the cops stop at the sugar refinery and take 
the prisoners on an impromptu tour, remarking, "There's enough 
sugar in there to feed an army," which is particularly admirable 
considering most army meals consist of a giant bowl of sugar. No 
sooner has he gotten that out when in come the army ants. Chaos 
ensues as the prisoners are ushered into another room, where the 
giant queen ant resides. Saith the sheriff, "Isn't she beautiful? 
She's fantastic... We must obey. We have no choice. She makes 
us do it."

	As the dramatic conclusion comes upon us, a line of 
townspeople are ushered into a booth one by one, where the queen 
ant farts a pheremone fog and they breath it, turning into obedient 
ant servants. Joan is brought to the front of the line, and she comes 
out in a daze, announcing, "Don't you see? We mustn't disobey 
them, we must take care of them!" Not you too, Joan! Finally, the 
captain, the blonde, career gal and the assistant get loose and run 
out of the refinery.

	Just outside happens to be a tanker truck labelled 
"Flammable!" An idea pops into the captain's head, which you 
can probably guess. Remember, ants don't like fire. They probably 
don't like EMPIRE OF THE ANTS too much either, although if you 
have a sense of humor, you'll probably love it. Knowing that Joan 
and Company were trying to make a serious thriller makes this 
four-star bad movie (zero stars on the regular scale) all the more 
hilarious. But if you don't have a sense of humor, this movie is 
probably business better left to the ants.

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