Subject: Review: Red Planet (2000)

From: "Rose 'Bams' Cooper" <[email-masked]>
Date: 17 Nov 2000 02:12:34 GMT

'3BlackChicks Review...'

RED PLANET (2000)
Rated R; running time 110 minutes
Genre: Science Fiction
Seen at: Celebration Cinema (Lansing, Michigan)
Official site: http://www.redplanetmovie.com/
IMDB site: http://us.imdb.com/Details?0199753
Written by: Jonathan Lemkin, Channing Gibson (based upon a story by
Chuck Pfarrer)
Directed by: Anthony Hoffman
Cast: Val Kilmer, Carrie-Anne Moss, Tom Sizemore, Benjamin Bratt,
Simon Baker, Terrence Stamp

Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000
Review URL: http://www.3blackchicks.com/bamsredplanet.html

The five-second Bammer review: YAWN.

Those needing a wee bit more substance in their reviews, are invited to
read on.

The Story (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**):
The year: 2057.  Twelve billion people living on Earth.  Something's
gotta give - and increasingly, it's Earth's natural resources.

For 20 years, Earth scientists sent unmanned probes to Mars, hoping to
stimulate life there, to one day allow some of Earth's citizenry to
colonize Mars.  When the oxygen levels on Mars start dropping, "Houston"
sends a crack team of their top people to Mars to investigate.  The team
includes: tough-as-nails [but Soft inside!] Mission Commander Kate
Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss); techie Robby Gallagher (Val Kilmer), who the
team teasingly calls their "Space Janitor"; Dr. Quinn Burchenal (Tom
Sizemore), a Geneticist with Science constantly on the brain; Lt. Ted
Santen (Benjamin Bratt), mission co-pilot and resident Stud;
Terraforming Specialist Chip Pettengill (Simon Baker), picked for the
mission as a last-minute replacement; and Dr. Bud Chantillas (Terrence
Stamp), former scientist and current Seeker-Of-Light.

And let's not forget AMEE, the robot WonderDog; prepped for exploration
as well as military mode, AMEE is one terminator that you do *not* wanna
tick off.

The Upshot:
I'm firmly convinced that at this point in human existence, movies about
missions to Mars, are doomed to be bad (contrary to what I wrote in my
review of MISSION TO MARS, which I, admittedly, overrated because of its
Tender Love Story.  Hooboy, did I take a wrong turn there.  But I
digress.)

RED PLANET was, in a word, boring.  And in a few more words, it had plot
holes wide enough to drive a truck through, uninteresting characters
that you were glad to watch die one at a time, a storyline that was
laughingly thin with weak feints toward having Big Philosophical
Discussions, multiple Deus Ex Machinas (one in particular that had the
Geek in me up in arms; anyone with working knowledge of How Modems Work,
will see what I mean), and the dumbest, most unintentionally funny
excuse for an Evil Monster that I've seen in a long time.  Oh, but the
movie *did* have irrelevant-to-the-scene Sting songs constantly playing
in the background, and - proving that it was Modern! And! Hip! - lots of
references to The Web.  Oooh.  I'm impressed.

I give "Planet" credit for almost coming to life near the end [ironic
that the more characters died off, the more interesting the movie got],
and for avoiding the easy "Matrix" way out by not making Carrie-Anne
Moss' character Melt around all the flying testosterone [at least, not
completely].  The movie certainly *looked* Pretty enough, though the
strange etch-a-sketch (without the surrounding plastic) directional
thingies the characters were so fond of using, made me long for Mr.
Spock's Tricorder.  And I gotta admit that that Braless Space Commander
closeup even got *my* attention (must be cold up there, eh Commander?).
But considering that RED PLANET was held back for months to keep it out
of direct competition with MISSION TO MARS, you might think that they'd
spend a little time adding some...oh, I dunno...*entertainment* to it or
something.

And what a waste of Tom Sizemore; hell, of Moss (who at least had a few
sparky moments) and Terrence Stamp, too (Val Kilmer, though, was his
usual wooden self).  Director Anthony Hoffman oughta be pimp-slapped for
having all that powerful acting ability at his fingertips, and leaving
it lost in space like that.

The "Black Factor" [ObDisclaimer: We Are Not A Monolith]:

The good news: there were no Black astronauts in this "futuristic" space
flick to test out Diva's "Brotha Rule Of Science Fiction" (in which the
Black astronaut/scientist/comic-relief is usually the first to die).

The bad news: there were no Black astronauts in this "futuristic" space
flick.

The better news: there were no Black actors wasted in this stunningly
boring space flick.

Bammer's Bottom Line:
It might be that Mars exploration is too far ahead of our time to allow
filmmakers to create a good, realistic, adventurous Mars space flick
just yet.  Or it might be that with all the Modern Technology gizmos
that we humans have, it's NASA that's behind the ball, not keeping up
with *us*; who knows.  One thing's for sure: until Classics like "The
Jetsons" come to fruition, none of these "To Mars...And Beyond!"
pretenders to the throne have a real prayer of impressing an
increasingly techno-aware American Public.  Unless, of course, they have
"Star Wars" somewhere in the title.

RED PLANET (rating: yellowlight):
Crash-landing at a theater near you...

Rose "Bams" Cooper
Webchick and Editor,
3BlackChicks Review
Movie Reviews With Flava!
Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000
EMAIL: [email-masked]
http://www.3blackchicks.com/

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