

PLANET SICK-BOY: http://www.sick-boy.com
"We Put the SIN in Cinema"

When 2000 dawned, it looked like we’d have dueling Mars films, kind of
similar to the two films about computer-generated ants we had back in
1998, or the battling volcano pictures from 1997.  Like those other
movies, the Mars films were originally scheduled to hit the theatres
within a month of each other.  Ultimately, Mission to Mars opted for a
March release and Red Planet picked a pre-holiday opening in November.

At the time, it seemed as though Planet changed its date to distance
itself from the similarly themed Mission, but it turns out that wasn’t
the case.  Planet sucks, and its studio is hoping the film gets lost in
the dust that will be created by the freight train known as Adam
Sandler’s Little Nicky.  It’s a sacrificial lamb with knocking knees and
dingleberries stuck to its ass fur.

Planet is set halfway through the 21st century, where our race has
apparently sapped the Earth of its resources, leading to an extensive
period of the development of Mars for human use.  They’ve grown algae
and built a station that is supposed to support a crew of scientists for
over two years.  Everything seems to be going well, and then the oxygen
levels suddenly bottom out.  With no time to figure out why, humanity
blasts six people off to Mars.  Here’s the rundown on the crew:

· Commander Kate Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss, The Crew) is in charge of the
mission and acts as the Mars-1 pilot.  She’s a tough, no-nonsense girl
with a great rack.

· Ted Santen (Benjamin Bratt, The Next Best Thing) is the mission’s
co-pilot.  He’s well-built, cocky and doesn’t mind letting everybody
else know how great he is.

· Dr. Bud Chantillas (Terence Stamp, The Limey) is the Chief Science
Officer.  He’s an old codger (the only crew member who has seen frogs in
his lifetime) who has recently shifted his allegiance from science to
God.

· Robby Gallagher (Val Kilmer, Joe the King) is the mechanic.  Despite
his intelligence, is often looked down on by the other crewmembers.

· Dr. Quinn Burchenal (Tom Sizemore, Play It to the Bone) is a civilian
bioengineer sent to solve the mystery of the missing oxygen.  If you’re
familiar with Sizemore, you’ll know that him playing a doctor is a
little more than a stretch.

· Chip Pettengill (Simon Baker, Ride With the Devil) is another
civilian, but this guy is an expert in terraforming.  Which means he
knows a lot about dirt and rocks.  Yawn.

· AMEE is a robotic elimination machine that looks like one of those
Poo-Chi dogs.  She’s a cold-blooded killer when set in “military mode”
but is just as sweet as can be otherwise.

As you would expect in a sci-fi/action film, Mars-1 experiences problems
minutes before the crew is set to leave for the rocky terrain of Mars.
In a spectacularly silly scene, the crew hurtles toward terra firma in a
pod that is covered with airbags that make it look like an oversized
bunch of grapes.  The crew is banged up, their pied-à-terre has been
trashed by some unknown enemy, and AMEE is on the loose and out for
blood.  Oh, yeah, and they’re out of oxygen, too.

There are some plot holes wide enough to drive a space shuttle through
in Planet.  The Mars-1 crew is supposed to be making the first manned
mission to the fourth planet from the sun, so who built the place they
were supposed to live in?  How does Gallagher get a solar-powered radio
to work after the sun has gone down?  At one point, the remaining
members of the expedition walk over 100 kilometers in 19 hours …
including a stop to sleep for the night.  The best part may have been
when Gallagher uses parts from the ’97 Mars Rover to build a radio.  At
least he knows where to find it.

Planet is the directorial debut of Antony Hoffman and, with any luck,
somebody will confiscate his license to make any more films (he can’t
even spell his name right, for Christ’s sake).  The hackneyed script was
penned by the Lethal Weapon 4 team of Jonathan Lemkin and Channing
Gibson.  Even the cinematography from David Cronenberg regular Peter
Suschitzky is underwhelming.

1:50 – PG-13 for adult language, brief nudity and violence

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