Subject: REVIEW: SPLIT SECOND

From: [email-masked] (Richard John Rauser)
Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1992 10:27:22 GMT

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				    SPLIT SECOND
		       A film review by Richard John Rauser
		      Copyright 1992 by WNI and R. J. Rauser

     Every once in a while a movie comes out that is so bad that it is 
impossible to believe that the producers were actually serious when they
made the film.  HIGHLANDER II is a prime example of this kind of
wretched trash, movies that stink so horribly that the only way to
explain their existence is to write them off as poorly-conceived
satires, or perhaps the result of a dare between two directors.

     Such a film is SPLIT SECOND.  

     In the past, when I have reviewed movies, I have done my best to
discuss their pros and cons at length, to give some insight into why I
felt the way that I did, and to try to understand what makes the movie
succeed or fail.  But SPLIT SECOND does not deserve or merit such a
focus.  It is, to put it simply, a horrible, horrible, horrible,
horrible piece of trash.  It stinks.  It reeks.  It sucks.  It bites.  I
hate it.  I *hate* it.  

     Why?  After all, there have been some pretty decent B-grade campy
sci-fi flicks in the past which have developed a cult following and have
become very respected, enjoyable films.  HIGHLANDER (the first one),
HEAVY METAL, and BUCKAROO BANZAI are a few examples.  But SPLIT SECOND
isn't this kind of B-grade sci-fi film.  It's the other kind, the
horrible, sick, disgusting, piece-of-garbage kind.

     Rutger Hauer plays a ridiculously cool cop who tries to track down
a serial killer in London, 2008.  All the cliches are here, the good
cop/bad cop theme, the strung out "on the edge" cop, the horrible
attempt at copying BLADE RUNNER's world, the female character who serves
no purpose in the film except to display her breasts in a pointless
shower scene.

     As I said before, this film isn't even worth discussing seriously.
So let me just say this: the film is rambling, confusing, incredibly
boring, poorly acted, horribly scripted, and has no originality
whatsoever.  The serial killer is a pathetic Predator rip-off, the sets
are a tenth-rate BLADE RUNNER rip-off, and the main character (Rutger
Hauer) is a ridiculous combination of Rick Deckard (BLADE RUNNER),
Marion Cobretti (Stallone's horrible flick COBRA) and Martin Riggs
("Lethal Weapon" films, of course).  I hesitate to even make these
points, only because I hate mentioning LETHAL WEAPON or BLADE RUNNER
when talking about this piece of filth, SPLIT SECOND (Cobra, on the
other hand, deserves it).  But these attempts at imitation are painfully
obvious.  And painfully funny.  And just downright painful.

     The film has no plot, makes no sense, the ending resolves nothing,
and none of the characters can be taken seriously.  The entire film
cannot be taken seriously.  It is an abomination, a disgusting, wretched
piece of filth.  HIGHLANDER II was slightly better than SPLIT SECOND,
and STAR TREK V was like RETURN OF THE JEDI by comparison.  The only
film I have ever seen that was worse than SPLIT SECOND was a home-made
horror/gore flick called THE BODY SHOP in which a demented scientist
cuts up mannikins (supposed to be humans) to create the perfect woman.
So, I can say with all honesty that SPLIT SECOND was the second worst
movie I have ever seen in my life.
   
     Please, please, please don't see this film.  Horror fans will be
bored silly, sci-fi fans will walk out half-way, and cult movie fanatics
will throw popcorn at the screen.  Yes, it's that bad.  Please, don't go
see it.

    On a scale of one to ten, SPLIT SECOND deserves less than a zero,
easily.  I will therefore give it a -10 and hope that this rating helps
steer away at least a *few* people from this piece of garbage.

    If my review prevents at least one unlucky soul from experiencing
the same agonizing, painful waste of time and money that I endured at
SPLIT SECOND, then I will leave this Earth a happy man.

    'Nuff said.

--
Richard J. Rauser
[email-masked]
WNI