

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION * (out of four)

           -a review by Bill Chambers ( [email-masked] )
 (Merry Christmas from Film Freak Central! http://filmfreakcentral.net )

starring Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, F. Murray Abraham, Anthony Zerbe
                      screenplay by Michael Piller
                       directed by Jonathan Frakes

Everything about this ninth Trek movie seems on the cheap, from the
Roger Corman-grade special effects to its highly derivative and ugly ad
campaign (the poster is nearly identical to that of Star Trek VI: The
Undiscovered Country). But Piller’s not-quite-half-baked screenplay
should ultimately claim responsibility for Insurrection’s failure. I’m
about to give the same advice to Rick Berman and co. as I’ve given to
the financiers of James Bond movies: it’s time to breathe life into this
workhorse by hiring solid genre writers and a real director. (While
we’re at it, put that visor back on LaForge!)

For three hundred years, the Ba’ku species (who look just like humans)
have lived on a ringed-planet that might as well be called the Fountain
of Youth. Six hundred of them occupy the Briar Patch, the area affected
by metaphasic radition, a positive energy that reverses the aging
process in the elderly. But evil Ru'afo (this is probably Abraham’s last
stop before performing "Amadeus" at a dinner theatre near you), leader
of the Son'a (who look just like burn victims after reconstructive
surgery), wants to relocate the Ba’ku and movie his people onto the
Briar Patch in their place, in order to replenish his dying breed. The
Federation is all for this, but Picard feels this is a direct violation
of the Prime Directive: to not interfere with the development of an
alien race. (Never mind that the Ba’ku didn’t exactly evolve—they went
wandering in the universe one day and stumbled upon the magic world.)

Every time Frakes gives an interview lately, he seems to top whatever
ludicrous statement he last gave regarding this installment. He has
called it a comedy, a thinking man’s picture, a throwback to the old
series, and, most grievously, he has likened it to a John Ford western.
(I presume that’s some John Ford he went to school with, not the
director of The Searchers.) He has also gone on record as saying
Paramount recut the film from his version. That’s no excuse—someone
generated this footage. Muddy cinematography and sitcom sets are the
least of its problems; Star Trek: Insurrection appears to have been
beamed in from the planet Plotholia. Consider such curiosities...
Picard’s love interest, Anij (Donna Murphy), can slow things down by
staring at them (such as a waterfall or falling rocks)—her scientific
explanation for this? "Don’t ask." Worf gets a pimple (he’s
re-experiencing Klingon puberty thanks to the time-defying atmosphere),
LaForge regains his eyesight (trust me, Levar Burton’s real eyes are
scarier than those electronic lenses he wore in First Contact) and Troi
brags about her firm boobs, but Picard remains as bald as an android’s
butt.

Most suspiciously, what exactly is the problem with letting this
endangered race have a little fun in the sun? The filmmakers cloud the
issue with some nonsense about a family feud of sorts, and they also
turn Ru'afo into a completely power-mad superfreak, just so the
characters will have something to do in the climax. (And if you’ve seen
Return of the Jedi, you’ve seen the ending of this movie.) Didn’t Picard
himself previously disobey the Prime Directive when he prevented the
Borg from assimilating millions?

Frakes lucked out with First Contact, and repeat viewings of that film
reveal the seeds of what went wrong in his direction of Insurrection: he
has no sense of comic timing, and he mines for acting chemistry where
none exists. (Take a look at the painful "Troi gets drunk" scene in FC
and you’ll get the general idea of Insurrection’s unsuccessfully jokey
and hollow tone.) Even the worst Shatner and co. Treks, like The Final
Frontier, maintained a watchability thanks to the effortless, charming
comaraderie between Kirk, Spock, and Bones.

Neither First Contact nor Insurrection has any idea what to do with
Crusher (Gates McFadden, whom I must say maintains a fabulous physique),
Troi, or LaForge. And all three Next Generation films spend too much
time on Data, who is the franchise’s answer to Urkel. Need a cheap
laugh? Have Data say something sexual, or start singing, or lift up a
four hundred pound boulder as if it’s the hunk of styrofoam it really
is. Here’s my proposed title for number 10: Data Star Data Trek: Data
Data Data Data Data. In this movie, Data will become preoccupied with
learning to blow his nose, while Crusher and Troi watch silently from
500 yards away and LaForge points his sinister gaze at the android in
doubly robotic observation.

Star Trek: Insurrection had one nice, eerie, silent moment that hints at
a better, darker film. I’m not saying all of them should be Star Trek
II: The Wrath of Khan, but this one boldly went where no movie should go
again.

     -December, 1998