Subject: REVIEW: TWO EVIL EYES

From: [email-masked] (The Phantom)
Date: 1 Nov 91 19:20:33 GMT

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			      TWO EVIL EYES
		    A review in the public domain
			    by The Phantom
		      ([email-masked])
				   
     When two of the most legendary names in horror collaborate on a new
film, the Phantom drops what's he's doing and heads for the cinema.
After all, George A. Romero doesn't make a new horror film every day,
and Dario Argento's films rarely, if ever, see the light of day -- so to
speak -- in American movie houses.  Since most studios and distributors
believe that our taste in horror runs more toward the staid and
predictable, Italian horror is infrequently seen as it should be: on the
big screen.  All too often it is released directly to video; sometimes
it is simply not available at all.

     Now, Italian horror is somewhat of an acquired taste -- unlike
American directors, filmmakers like Argento tend to concentrate more on
atmosphere and gore than on plot and character development.  Italian
horror films may suffer somewhat for these omissions, just as they
usually suffer from excruciatingly bad dubbing and jumpy editing, and in
general we're not likely to see an Italian HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL
KILLER.  Argento and his fellow horror filmmakers (including Mario Bava,
his son Lamberto, and Lucio Fulci) tend to avoid the subtle and go
straight for the body parts, sharpened household implements, and
bathtubs filled with blood.  However, the Phantom would rather watch the
ridiculously plotted, poorly edited, nearly nonsensical GATES OF HELL
any day than another tedious CHILD'S PLAY or NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
sequel.  Italian horror is a lot like Domino's pizza: it leaves a lot to
be desired, but you know it'll deliver.

     So instead of SUSPIRIA, we get FREDDY'S DEAD, while another batch
of newly installed studio executives wonder why the American movie-going
public no longer wants to see horror films (even if they're filmed in
headache-inducing "Freddy-Vision").  Alas, the last Italian horror film
the Phantom remembers seeing on the big screen is GATES OF HELL, and
that was back in 1983.  Before that it was Fulci's ZOMBIE, a full three
years earlier.

     But here we are eight years after GATES OF HELL was released, faced
with TWO EVIL EYES in a rather limited engagement at a handful of
theaters across the country.  It's being distributed by tiny Taurus
Entertainment, which means it's got one foot in Blockbusters even before
the opening credits roll; their releases tend to arrive for the briefest
of runs and then head straight for video stores across the country,
ensuring only that most people have a vague sense when they're in their
local video stores that the film they're pondering was, in fact, a
theatrical release at one point and not just another sleazy
"direct-to-video" quickie.  "But how did I miss this one?"  they may ask
themselves.  "I make a real effort to see new horror in the cinema,
where the screams of the audience around me add to the fun, and where I
can talk back to the characters on the screen and tell them what to do
in a setting where that sort of behavior -- speaking out loud to
fictional characters -- is socially acceptable rather than an
early-warning sign of a severe personality disorder" they may say.

     Well, perhaps they may not say all that, but at least some of it is
likely going through their minds as they fish through their wallets for
their video rental cards.  And that's the only reason why TWO EVIL EYES
is now in theatrical release at all, as the film itself has all the
hallmarks of a sleazy, "direct-to-video" quickie.  Romero and Argento
fooled the Phantom a bit with this one, or at least the advertisements
for the film fooled him, as he was led to believe that TWO EVIL EYES was
a single, full-length feature film produced, written and directed by two
of the best horror filmmakers working today.

     In fact, TWO EVIL EYES is more like two "Tales from the Crypt"
episodes seen back-to-back.  Romero and Argento each pay homage to Edgar
Allen Poe (who doesn't need any more homages of this sort, the Phantom
is quite sure) by butchering two or three of his stories and stitching
them back together in rather uncertain fashion.  As the Phantom isn't
really up on his Poe (it's been a long time since he's read any of the
Master's work), he didn't mind the obvious cut-and-paste effort, but he
suspects that some of his more literate phans may take umbrage at the
appropriation of Poe's name and short stories by two directors who
aren't known for producing particularly well-considered or literate
films.  Let's just say that Roger Corman and Vincent Price did it all
better thirty years ago.

     Putting that minor quibble aside, the two segments are quite uneven
even judged on their own merits.  As one might expect, Argento's piece,
"The Black Cat," is by far the better, as Romero has been trading on his
name for years now, not having done anything of value since DAY OF THE
DEAD.  His piece, "The Curious Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar,"
plays exactly like an extended CREEPSHOW segment.  There's enough
material for 30 minutes -- the piece would certainly be at home on
"Tales from the Crypt" -- but Romero stretches it out to an hour, and
even Adrienne Barbeau's bad acting can't save it.  Perhaps if he had had
the foresight to cast Rae Dawn Chong instead, the audience would at
least have been horrified, if not terror-struck.

     "Valdemar" is about what happens to a man who dies while under
hypnosis, but what happens wouldn't make Poe very happy, since his short
stories never put anyone to sleep -- and the Phantom came surprisingly
close to nodding off once or twice himself.  He certainly wasn't helped
by the very cold temperature of the theater in which he saw the film --
evidently the thermostat had been set on the assumption that more than
five warm bodies would be in attendance -- but Romero's leaden script
and relentless focus on a metronome might have been sufficient in and of
themselves.  It was almost as if he wanted to treat the audience to a
taste of what M. Valdemar was experiencing, and although we all waited
patiently to be brought out of our trances, Romero never once counted to
five nor snapped his cinematic fingers.  Suffice it to say that with the
exception of a few creepy voice effects and a rather well-done special
effect right at the end of the piece (which accomplishes little but
remind us why a good story well told doesn't need *any* special effects
-- something with which Poe likely would agree), there's not much reason
to be in the audience for the first hour of TWO EVIL EYES.

     "The Black Cat," however, is a different story altogether.  It,
too, has been butchered beyond recognition -- it contains bits and
pieces of at least three Poe stories -- but it hardly matters as Argento
has never felt the need to be constrained by story lines or logic.
Instead, he uses the story elements to fashion a tale of a man who may
or may not be descending into madness with the help of a stray black cat
his girlfriend finds outside the apartment one day.

     Naturally the man is a crime photographer -- how else would Argento
logically work a number of lovingly photographed, excessively graphic
multilated bodies into the story?  -- and naturally he has easy access
to a number of sharpened home improvement tools.  The rest is pure
Argento, and while it's not as good as SUSPIRIA (the Phantom's favorite
Argento film), it's still very well done indeed.  Argento gets to
splatter blood everywhere, and his camera work has never been better: in
"The Black Cat" we get the CatCam, the RopeCam, and even the DrainoCam.
And yes, we do get that bathtub filled with blood, which comes just as
the audience begins to think that Argento might not have his heart in
the film after all.

     The acting and dialogue is atrocious, and the editing is shaky --
sometimes quite good, most of the time fairly standard for Italian
horror -- but Argento does a creditable job.  There are -- somewhat
surprisingly -- no Spring-Loaded Cats in "The Black Cat," and it's
obvious that Argento spent some time on the piece and didn't do as
Romero did and just toss this one off.  The Phantom appreciated the
effort even if the results weren't first rate; it may also be that after
having sat through Romero's very undistinguished first hour the Phantom
was more receptive to Argento's work.  There are a reasonable number of
scares in "The Black Cat," and gore galore -- enough to satisfy all but
the most jaded of horror phans.

     In marked contrast, Romero's piece contained no scares at all,
apart from a handful of Spring-Loaded Cat effects.  In fact, Romero
even, at one point, gives us a Spring-Loaded Mop, which is certainly a
first; if nothing else, it one-ups the 90-decibel ringing telephone,
long a mainstay of inept horror films.  Perhaps the Phantom will have to
adopt an SLM quotient to complement his SLC quotient; at the very least,
he sincerely hopes that Romero doesn't decide to throw other household
cleaning implements at us in his upcoming films, as otherwise the
Phantom will never again be able to look under his kitchen sink without
having a quiver of fear run up his spine.

     Argento, on the other hand, wastes no time in focusing his
attention on, of all things, a pendulum.  And not a pendulum from a
grandfather clock, either.  The Phantom knew -- he just knew -- that
Argento wouldn't be able to resist that most vicious of all of Poe's
implements of torture.  As an aside, it may be instructive to note that
while Argento gleefully swings a razor-sharp pendulum at us, Romero
scares us with a mop sliding down the basement stairs.  But guess whose
next feature will be released by a major American film studio?  Is it
any wonder that the audience for serious horror films is as low as it
is?

     All of which leaves the Phantom with mixed feelings about TWO EVIL
EYES.  On the one hand, $7.50 was a lot to pay for what amounted to one
pretty decent short film; on the other, he suspects that most, if not
all, of his phans will ultimately see TWO EVIL EYES on video if they see
it at all.  And in that case, the Phantom really recommends that they
check it out, especially if they're also phans of Dario Argento.  TWO
EVIL EYES is not a great horror film, but half of it isn't half bad at
all.

: The Phantom 
: [email-masked] 
: {cmcl2,uunet}!esquire!baumgart