Subject: REVIEW: WATERWORLD

From: [email-masked] (Gharlane of Eddore)
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:40:30 GMT

WATERWORLD
		       A film review by Gharlane of Eddore
			Copyright 1995 Gharlane of Eddore

0 out of * * * *  possible.

"Something is fishy in the state of Universal."

     About ten years back, with the unexpected success of MAD MAX and
THE ROAD WARRIOR, post-apocalypse nitty-gritty survival yarns became
popular at the movies.   We've always had movies of this nature; ON
THE BEACH, THE END OF THE WORLD, DAMNATION ALLEY, THE ULTIMATE
WARRIOR, and so on.

     To date, the most smoothly done were straightforward "haircuts" of
the classic western plot, like the lone gunman who comes to town and
protects the widow and the son against an evil organization, usually
one in possession of some critical resource, like water, feed range, or
a mining claim.  Most of these grew out of venerable, but solid hero
yarns like THE VIRGINIAN and SHANE.  (My personal favorite is a
Patrick Swayze movie called STEEL DAWN, which was fairly well made on a
small budget.)

     Now we have WATERWORLD, which again brings the traditional lone
gunman to town to rescue the young widow and her daughter.  (Well,
she's not a widow, and the kid isn't her daughter, but you
 get the idea.)  The lady is Helen, played by the stunning Jean
Tripplehorn, who isn't given a chance to be stunning, or even
interesting, by the mediocre and unimaginative script.  The child
Enola, played by Tina Majorino, is living proof that a child actor need
not be a bad thing to have in a movie; she outshines her material all
the way through.

     In simple, the scene is Earth, hundreds of years from now.  The
polar ice caps have melted, and somehow produced enough water to
inundate the entire planet.  The few remaining people live in boats and
floating colonies, and survive by trade, theft, or piracy.  Somehow an
oil tanker has survived the centuries, and its inhabitants, called
"Smokers," are able to keep gasoline engines running despite the dearth
of replacement parts and raw materials, so the Bad Guys have outboard
engines, and fast-moving boats, airplanes, and jet skis.

     Enola, found at sea as a young girl, has a mysterious map no one
can read tattooed on her back.  We suspect early on that it is the way
to the mythical "Dryland," the place where trees, crops, and animals
grow, and what plot there is hinges on Who Has Enola.  The psycho ruler
of the Smokers, the "Deacon," is trying to get her and find his way to
Dryland.  Played with typical self-lampooning, rug-chewing histrionics
by Dennis Hopper, "Deacon" is the only thing in the movie that's close
to amusing.  His performance is *almost* laughable, but there just
isn't enough there to be funny.

     The star (and a co-producer) is Kevin Costner.  He's playing an
un-named lone denizen of the sea, a man called the "mariner," who turns
out to be a gilled, water-breathing mutant with webbed feet.  Very
little is done with this.  The script ignores the ineffectuality of
gills in supplying enough oxygen to support a human metabolism; it
ignores the fact that even with both ice caps completely melted, much
of the Earth's surface would still be above water; and it ignores the
blatant impossibility of the cultures and technology shown.  (Canned
meat does *not* last for centuries; ammunition does *not* fire after
it's more than a few decades old; and so on, and so on...)

     I'm quite fond of Tina Majorino's previous work, very impressed by
Jean Tripplehorn's past accomplishments, and still speechless over
Costner's DANCES WITH WOLVES.

     But this movie could destroy the careers of anyone associated with
it!  This movie cost ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS, and
there's *nothing* in it we haven't seen before, done better on only a
few percent of the cost of this turkey.  At 125 minutes of material,
this movie cost over ONE POINT FOUR MILLION DOLLARS PER MINUTE to
make.  The budget of this movie *could* have given us over THIRTY
movies; it could have paid for SIX YEARS OF A PRIME-TIME SF TV SERIES
WITH EXPENSIVE FX WORK, OR TEN YEARS OF AN SF TV SERIES WITH GOOD
DIGITAL FX.

     In sum, this movie is beneath contempt.  It has nothing new to
offer, it has a script that could easily have been bettered by the
people who write comic books for DC, and it spent more money than the
national budget of a small nation.

     If you *have* to go see it, see it on a four-dollar matinee.
Otherwise you'll find yourself sneering at you every time you pass a
reflective surface, for weeks.

Rating:  ZERO stars.  (Rent a copy of STEEL DAWN and stay home; 
		       you'll see a better movie, cheaper.)
United States, 1995 
Release date: 7-28-1995
Running Length: 2:15 
Rating: PG-13 (Violence, brief nudity) 
Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 
 
Cast:      Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Tina Majorino, 
           Dennis Hopper, Michael Jeter 
Director:  Kevin Reynolds 
Producers: Charles Gordon, John Davis, and Kevin Costner 
Screenplay: Peter Rader and David Twohy 
Cinematography: Dean Semler 
Music: James Newton Howard 
From Universal Pictures