Subject: Retrospective: Waterworld (1995)

From: [email-masked] (Chad Polenz)
Date: 16 Jul 1997 03:12:03 GMT

Waterworld
Chad'z rating: * (out of 4 = poor)
1995, PG-13, 136 minutes [2 hours, 16 minutes]
[science fiction/thriller]
starring: Kevin Costner (The Mariner), Jeanne Tripplehorn (Helen), Dennis
Hopper (Deacon), Tina Mojorino (Enola), produced by Charles Gordon, John
Davis, Kevin Costner, written by Peter Roder, David Twohy, directed by Kevin
Reynolds.

I feel sorry for the financial backers of "Waterworld," which is supposedly
the most expensive film ever made (at $172 million!), and is also one of the
stupidest - boy did they get ripped off! In fact, this film is not really a
movie, but more of an amusement park ride with a plot. It's not even just
another case of cliches strung together (well, it is that too), it's
something that's painful to watch because it relishes in its flaws.

Kevin Costner stars as a man who is some kind of mutant half man/half fish.
He is an explorer/mariner on an alternate Earth that is completely covered by
water because the polar ice caps melted. He's referred to as The Mariner, but
they "The Meaner" would have been a more appropriate title because he's cold,
rigid, and strict - and he's supposed the be the good guy! He docks at a
small floating village of sorts. He trades dirt for money and this introduces
us to the other important characters. First we meet one of the villains, then
the soon-to-be heroine, a child prodigy, a wacky inventor, and a group of
primitive people that somehow have some of the technology we have today, but
also some of the low-tech tools used by pirates and Vikings. 

Immediately the film's biggest flaw is apparent: are these people primitive
or highly advanced? It doesn't seem like anyone can read yet they have
Ski-Doos and airplanes! How are these things powered? And if they have
airplanes, couldn't they just keep flying until they reached dry land? Also,
if the planet is completely covered in water where did they get the materials
to make these things? I'm sorry, I'm all for checking your brain at the door
when going to the movies, but elements like these cannot go unnoticed because
they draw our attention away from the story and confuse us. There was
potential here for a good pirate story set in medieval times before modern
technology, so why mix the two together? It doesn't make any sense.

There really isn't much of a plot here because the story moves so quickly it
never takes time to explain anything. The only thing we learn is that the
prodigy child, Enola (Mojorino), has a tattoo on her back that is supposedly
a map to "Dryland." Who put the tattoo there and how come it has taken them
this long to figure this out? We never get an answer, just a stupid action
movie about whoever can get the girl will be the victor of sorts if they
reach Dryland. 

To make a long, boring, stupid, and just plain bad story short; the mariner
escapes with a woman named Helen (Tripplehorn) and Enola. They sail for a
long time, encountering some strange people in the process and fight off "The
Smokers" as lead by the idiot villain Deacon (Hopper), who kidnaps Enola. The
story becomes a overly grand adventure with the mariner taking on an army of
goons, rescuing Enola, and bringing them all to salvation (how original).

Even with all its special effects, action, and adventure this film is
boring. Not a single character is likable, therefore neither is the plot.
Dennis Hopper completely rips off Jack Nicholson's Joker, while Costner just
plain rips.

Still, "Waterworld" is professionally made with a good production design and
an original idea but no substance to it. I just hope they don't make a
sequel! 

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(C) 1997 Chad Polenz