Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: news.ifm.liu.se!liuida!sunic!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!ee.und.ac.za!csir.co.za!hippo.ru.ac.za!sppp From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza) Subject: Operating Systems/Languages Compared Message-ID: Keywords: shoot,brains,cars,planes,DOS Organization: Rhodes University, Grahamstown, South Africa Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 15:09:53 GMT Lines: 402 I think this might be the complete list if someone wants to maintain it. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% THE PROBABILITY OF SOMEONE WATCHING YOU IS PROPORTIONAL TO THE STUPIDITY OF YOUR ACTION %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Subject: The Programmer's Handy Guide to the Languages & OS's THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES & OPERATING SYSTEMS ================================================================= The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. The same applies to Operating Systems ....... This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Task: GO TO THE STORE ================= MS-DOS (<=5.0): You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. MS Dos 6.0: You go to get in your car to GOTO THE STORE but the car has been run over by a steam roller. Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train. Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard. Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church. UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop. Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet. OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town. S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds. AS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Task: Shoot yourself in the foot Ver 2 C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type. COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ((((((((((How can this be LISP without any parens?)))))))))) FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you. BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care. HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too. Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead. Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for. Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot. Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. --------------------------------------- No, no NO! You didn't even distinguish between OS JCL & DOS JCL! Lessee, it oughta be something like this... DOS/VSE/SP (etc): You first find the building you're in in the phone book, then find your office number in the corporate phone book. Then you have to write this down, then describe, in cubits, your *exact* location, in relation to the door (right hand side thereof). Then you need to write down the location of the gun (loading it is a proprietary utility), then you load it, and the COBOL program, and run them, and, with luck, it may be run tonight. OS/MVS/etc: You tell it you need a gun, and that you need space to put your foot, then you run that, along with the COBOL program. Don't forget to store the code as a proc, if you need to shoot your other foot. ADA : you scour all 154e56 pages of the manuals, looking for references to "foot", "leg", or toes; then get hopelessly confused and give up. You sneak in when the boss isn't around and actually write the stinkin' thing in C, and turn 7689 pages of source code in to the review committee, knowing that they'll never look at it. When the program needs maintenance, you resign. VMS: $ MOUNT/DENSITY=.45/LABEL=BULLET/MESSAGE="BYE" BULLET::BULLET$GUN SYS$BULLET $ SET GUN/LOAD/SAFETY=OFF/SIGHT=NONE/HAND=LEFT/CHAMBER=1/ACTION=AUTOMATIC/ LOG/ALL/FULL SYS$GUN_3$DUA3:[000000]GUN.GNU $ SHOOT/LOG/AUTO SYS$GUN SYS$SYSTEM:[FOOT]FOOT.FOOT %DCL-W-ACTIMAGE, error activating image GUN -CLI-E-IMGNAME, image file $3$DUA240:[GUN]GUN.EXE;1 -IMGACT-F-NOTNATIVE, image is not an OpenVMS Alpha AXP image oh well, almost.. FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. self dup >foot shoot ======================================================================== Selecting a Programming Language Assembler - A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain. FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 - a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work. BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I - A Cadillac convertable with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield. C - A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car. Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types. Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 - An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it. LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles. FORTH - A go-cart. LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL - A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek. Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you. =========================================================================== Subject: FOOTOS -- A Guide to Modern Operating Systems This was inspired by the recent file making its rounds on the Net describing how to shoot yourself in the foot in a variety of programming languages. Now, the madness is extended to operating systems. ----------------------------------------------------- Unix: You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS: You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier. MS-Windows: The gun blows up in your hand. Windows NT: The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other. OS/2: The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more. Mac Finder: It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot. AIX: You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45. IRIX: The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot. SVR4: The gun isn't compatible with your foot. Minix: You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special. Linux: Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free. HURD: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now. VM/CMS: IBM shoots you in the foot. VMS: \FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes. AMIGA-DOS: The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets. Mach: The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more. Cray: You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi. MasPar: You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously. =========================================================================== OPERATING SYSTEMS AS BRAINS =========================== I've heard about operating systems relating to shooting yourself in the foot - what about operating systems and peoples brains... A start... Windows for brains: ------------------- You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a last resort you have to re-boot your brain. DOS for brains: --------------- You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any pictures. Unix for brains: ---------------- Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to think. Predominantly a random thinker. CP/M for brains: ---------------- A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less than 3 letters long. MVS/CICS for brains: -------------------- You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unles you have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have. OS/2 for brains: ---------------- You can think about lots of things at once but need the equivalent of eigteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak. Mac for brains: --------------- Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good but is expensive. Pick for brains: ---------------- I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty. AmigaOS for brains: You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit, crosslegged, on the floor. Linux for Brains: ----------------- You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets. Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant to change over at this stage. Some people of course only have game-brains, not operating systems. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Peter Piacenza Internet: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za Tel. 27-471-3022384 Internet: chpp@unitrix.utr.ac.za (preferred).