RED DWARF VIII EPISODE THREE 'BACK IN THE RED' Part Three Transcribed by Den Cage (DC@rdw.org) 1. Int. SFX. The Tank Control Tower. 2. Int. Rimmer and Lister's Cell. Enter Rimmer and Lister. Lister goes to his bunk; Rimmer goes to sit at the table. Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up... Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening... This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker. Lister: Was he any help? Rimmer: Not really. He beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girly white legs; then pummeled me repeatedly with his book 'Showing Compassion to Inmates'. Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice! Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything. Lister: What did he say? Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up too... You can still see the Crucifix marks on the back of my head. Lister: It's because we're in G-Tower. All the staff are mad here. One of the guys was saying, though, as a reward for good behaviour, they'd move me to the luxury block on D-Wing. Everything's really nice there; they even shampoo the rats! They groom their tails and everything! Rimmer: I must look it up in my Michelin Guide to Penal Hell-Holes. I'm sure it probably gets the full five slop-out buckets. Lister: They've got everything: TVs, music centres... they've even got a trouser press! Rimmer: Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about your appearance than a member of the Dutch Royal Family. Lister: No, I was thinking that if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we could make cheese toasties... Rimmer notices an envelope on the table picks it up and looks at the contents: Rimmer: What's this? 'Floor 13 Information Pack... If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold...' The envelope also contains a blindfold! There is a book on the table too: Lister: What's the book? Rimmer: Gideon's Bible. Lister: He follows me everywhere, that bloke! I was staying at a hotel once and he left his Bible behind there as well! Then, two years later; another hotel - the dozy git left it behind again! Rimmer (sighing): Everything is ruined. My career's over. I've no goal, no hope, no life... Lister: Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now? Rimmer: Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the Universe; hardened criminals, deranged droids... People so unbalanced and debauched they probably couldn't even get elected as President of the United States... We've got to escape. Lister: No. There's security cameras everywhere. Y'know that mad geezer with the one eye and the funny tick? He said it was impossible... Rimmer: He's bound to say that - he's the warden! If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the braindead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with... Lister: You defended yourself! Rimmer: Yes and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much... Two years in the Tank... Rimmer gets up and goes over to the toilet in the corner. Lister: Two years... Lister looks round to see Rimmer sit down on the toilet, put the blindfold on, and start to unbutton his overalls. Rimmer: How did we get into this mess? Lister: I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me! 3. Ext. SFX. Red Dwarf in space. CAPTION: '2 DAY'S EARLIER' 4. Int. Widescreen. Captain Hollister's Office (+ Clips from the previous episode). Hollister is directly addressing the camera: Hollister: This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps. CUT TO A CLIP IN WHICH THE CREW ARE FACING THE BOARD OF INQUIRY: Hollister: Are you familiar with the 'mind scan'? Lister: We are familiar with the mind scan, sir. Hollister: You understand that it will involve the administration of psycho-tropic drugs, that is drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'. Lister, Kochanski, Kryten and Cat: Aye. Hollister: Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided. Lister, Kochanski, Cat and Kryten do as the Captain says... Hollister: We will reconvene at ten am tomorrow. CUT BACK TO CAPTAIN HOLLISTER IN HIS OFFICE: Hollister: To test the veracity of their defense, unknown to them, I've had them placed in Artificial Reality... CUT TO A CLIP OF THE CREW IN THE A/R SUITE: Hollister (Voice-over): ... where their actions can be observed. CUT TO A CLIP OF CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN AND LISTER AS THE DIBBLEY FAMILY IN A PARODY OF RESERVOIR DOGS. THEN, CUT TO A CLIP OF RIMMER ATTENDING SUPPER AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE: Hollister: Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do. Rimmer: So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements that they've entered into, then... Could you excuse me? I think I've... left the iron on... CUT BACK TO HOLLISTER TALKING TO CAMERA: Hollister: Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew... CUT TO CLIP OF RIMMER PERFORMING A BIZARRE SALUTE FOR THE CAPTAIN; THEN, CUT BACK TO HOLLISTER TALKING TO CAMERA: Hollister: ... has started acting very suspiciously; being incredibly insightful, and efficient... CUT TO CLIP OF RIMMER PRESENTING THE CAPTAIN WITH A SAFETY REPORT; THEN CUT BACK TO HOLLISTER TALKING TO CAMERA: Hollister: I suspect he may have access to the crew's Confidential files. We also believe he may be in possession of a virus that makes him incredibly attractive to the opposite sex. This is obviously a remarkable serum, and as a responsible Senior Officer of the Space Corps it's imperative that I gain possession of this serum, and use some myself. CUT TO CLIP OF RIMMER BEING MOLESTED BY DOC NEWTON: Newton: Oh my God, you are sexy... So very, very, SEXY!!!! CUT BACK TO HOLLISTER: Hollister: Yesterday he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic... CUT TO CLIP OF RIMMER INJECTING HIS GROIN: Hollister: ... - something we believe he did to regain some self-control... CUT TO CLIP OF RIMMER TRYING TO WALK DOWN A CORRIDOR, THE ANAESTHETIC HAVING SPREAD TO HIS LEGS; THEN, CUT BACK TO HOLLISTER: Hollister: I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's Confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know: I used the same method myself to become Captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished. I will continue to observe Lister's actions in A/R and expect my suspicions to be confirmed. Report ends. 5. Int. A/R Suite. Kochanski, Lister, Cat and Kryten are connected to terminals in the A/R suite. Monitors in each corner of the room show what A/R scenario is being acted out. In it we see Cat, still dressed as Duane Dibbley, walking past. 6. Int. Landing Bay. This is continuous action as we cut to a full view of what was in the monitor in the A/R Suite. Cat is pushing a laundry crate in which the rest of the guys are hiding across the landing bay while Bob and Max the Skutters follow. There are four Blue Midgets stationed against a wall. 7. Int. Blue Midget Cockpit inter-cut with Ground Control station and Landing Bay. Lister, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski, Bob and Max take their positions in the cockpit. We see a number of workstations where Ground Controllers sit busily working. Female Ground Controller (VO): This is Ground Control to Midget Three... Cut to close-up of the Ground Controller at her station. She is an attractive black lady with a lovely big smile: Ground Controller: ... You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code. Back to the cockpit: Cat: Ground Control, this is, er... Lister: ...Major Tom... Cat: Yeah, Major Tom! Back to Ground Control station: Ground Controller: Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number? Back to cockpit: Cat: I'm sorry, I left all my details in my other pants! Back to Ground Control: Ground Controller: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that... Back to cockpit: The Ground Controller's image materializes on a panel on the 'dashboard'. Cat (looking at her): WOW! Back to Ground Control: Ground Controller: Without take-off clearance, I can't permit you to fly. Back to cockpit: Cat: I can handle this thing OK. I'm good. I'm better than good! I'm smoooooth, with a capital 'Smoooo'... Back to Ground Control: Ground Controller (smiling): Well, that's as maybe but I still need a bit of proof that you can fly that thing. Back to cockpit: Cat: Fly?! I can make this thing dance! Cut to a bemused grin from the Ground Controller, then back to the cockpit where Cat is frantically pressing buttons, programming the Blue Midget... 8. Int. Various SFX. Landing Bay + Cockpit + Ground Control Station. Blue Midget's legs extend and it stands up, with Cat, Kochanski, Lister ad Kryten still inside. In the cockpit, Cat stands and exits; he slides down BM's extended leg onto the landing bay floor, crashing at the bottom. Ground Controller looks concerned, but Cat gets up and brushes himself off. He turns to the standing BM and performs a quick, energetic tap dance. The Blue Midget copies his actions. Delighted, Cat, still in Dibbley costume, repeats this action twice more, before stepping behind one of BM's legs and removing his disguise. He is now wearing a smart blue number with sequins. Ground Controller is delegated with this change of appearance. Cat holds his Dibbley teeth and rattles them to produce a dance rhythm, again impressing the woman of his dreams. He slides the teeth away and resumes dancing with BM, while the teeth continue to rattle in accompaniment! The teeth begin to outshine Cat so he kicks them away, but then Cat is kicking out of the way by the Blue Midget, who wants the limelight to itself! Cat returns to the 'dance floor' and resumes his dance. Blue Midget dances with him, and the other three Blue Midgets get up and dance to the groovy tune. Cat leads the very elaborate routine, while the Midgets follow. When Cat performs a particularly high jump, so do the Midgets, and the glass in the Ground Control stations is shattered! The dance finally comes to an end, the Ground Controller delighted by Cat's display. Cat is kicked into the air by Midget 3 and lands back in his seat in the cockpit. 9. Int. Blue Midget Cockpit + Ground Control Station. Cat is looking particularly pleased with himself and has somehow found himself a nice cigar to smoke. Ground Controller: Wow! Cat (blowing a smoke ring): Are you free Saturday? Ground Controller: I am now! Cat: Holy Schmoly! I've got a date in three days time! I better start getting ready! Lister: You're going nowhere, man. We are outta here! Lister pulls a lever and: 10. Int. SFX. Landing Bay: Blue Midget running. 11. Ext. SFX. Blue Midget leaving Red Dwarf. 12. Int. Entrance to the A/R Suite: Red Dwarf. MP Thornton is on-guard at the entrance. Rimmer, still having difficulty walking, comes up to him. Rimmer: Thornton? Thornton: Noone's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it! Rimmer: Angus Thornton, age 36, middle name: Lionel. Inside leg measurement: 29, neck size: 16; circumcised. Thornton: How d'you know all this? Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked ad attached to [whispering] the suction hose of a vacuum cleaner. Thornton: That's a vicious, slanderous, filthy, stinking, slanderous lie that you just made up.... Who told you?! Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break: Five minutes. Thornton: OK, I'm going, OK. I'm lighting up already. I'm going. Thornton leaves and Rimmer steps through the door. 13. Ext. SFX. Blue Midget in space. 14. Int. Blue Midget Cockpit + A/R Suite on Red Dwarf. Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski in the cockpit: Lister: Now all we've got to do is get a bearing on those nanos... CUT TO THE A/R SUITE: The four of them are still wired in to the A/R bays. We see the continuation of the action on Blue Midget through the monitors in the A/R bay. Lister: ... and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard. DURING THE REST OF THE SCENE THE VIEW SKIPS BETWEEN DIRECT ACTION IN THE COCKPIT TO THE CREW IN A/R WITH THE COCKPIT ACTION ON THE MONITORS... Kryten: We're getting something now sir. Lister: Good. We didn't need that confidential file scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all. Double dealing, two faced rat. Rimmer types into a panel at the entrance to the Suite: Rimmer: Find all references to the agreement between Lister and Rimmer and remove. Computer: All references removed. As Rimmer's requests to delete the references are carried out, we see the continuing action on Blue Midget, but from time to time the image shifts, that is certain moments of 'time' are being missed out... Lister: ...was that? Something weird just happened. Kochanski: Yeah, I felt it too. Cat's image shifts Cat: There it was again. Holly's image shifts Holly: And again. Kryten: Oh my. Lister: What is it? Kryten: I don't believe I'm here. Kochanski: I have that feeling all the time. Kryten: I have it. I believe we're in some kind of computer manipulated psychotropically induced mind-state. Holly: You took the words right out of my mouth. Kochanski: You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial? Lister: The envelopes! When we signed the consent forms, there must have been some kind of drug on the gluey bit we licked. Cat: So you mean nothing's been real since then!? Blue Midget? The ground controller? None of that was real? You mean after all this I still haven't got a date?! Damn! Another year where I have to send a valentines card to my hand. Lister: This is good. This is good. It proves we're innocent. Everything we've said and done, escaping, trying to track down the nanos. It corroborates our story. Holly: But you are guilty guys, who are you fooling?... I don't know why I said that. Kochanski: We're being framed! They shift. This time Kochanski and Kryten have actually swapped places! Kochanski: Wait a minute, I said we're being framed and suddenly... They all shift again Lister: It just happened again! Everything we say is being... Another shift. Kryten: ...Bananas. Lister: If I say who I think's responsible for this, it'll get cut too, so I'm not going to, but it's him, I know it's him, you can bet on it. And if I ever catch up with him, I'm gonna cut off both his b-... Lister shifts Lister: ...with a blunt knife. Cat: So how do we stop him? Kryten: If we're plugged into A/R software, there must be a trap-door built in the program somewhere to allow escape. The Skutters nod. Cat: You mean to help you get out if the program freezes. Kryten: Precisely! They'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere, something like a trap-door or exit. They all start looking for a clue... Cat: I got it! There's a button here with 'E-11-T' on it. Kryten: And? Cat: 11 is XI in roman numerals. E - X - I - T. Exit! Lister: HE got that?! Kryten: I think this proves without a shadow of a doubt this is NOT reality. Kochanski: Press it! Cat presses the button and: 15. Ext. Claymation. The Arctic. Kochanski, Kryten, Cat and Lister are now 'caught' in an animation. They are made of clay and appear to be in the Arctic. If you don't get the picture, think 'Pingu'. If you've never seen 'Pingu', think 'Wallace and Gromit go to the North Pole'! Cat: Now where are we? Kryten: Well, somehow we've wound up in a screensaver... Cat slips and slides across the ice into an igloo. Like you do. Kochanski: We need to locate a power source so that we can switch the A/R machine's power off. Lister is leaning into a hole in the ice. Lister: Power source? Well, there has to be a clue aroundhere somewhere. Maybe it's in this ice hole A huge ugly 'monster' comes out of the hole and eats Lister whole. Then he spits him back out and sends him flying across the space. Cat pops his head out of the igloo. Cat: There's some food in here. Kochanski: So? Cat: Including a bottle of Ketchup. Lister: So? Cat: Power Ketchup, get it? Kryten: What's to get? Cat: Power sauce! Lister: Pity he's only smart when he's made out of plasticine? Kochanski: Press it! The team come to in the A/R Suite and are disconnected from the terminals. Rimmer is still frantically punching buttons. Lister: You back-stabbing, weaselly smegger! You were trying to frame us. Rimmer: Listy, just the man. Now, I know at a first glance it may look bad... Kochanski: God he's gorgeous... Rimmer: Oh, hold her back, please, hold her back, please, no more, no more! Kochanski: Those nostrils are driving me crazy, I've simply got to have them! Lister: Hold her back Kryten, help me! Kochanski is EXTREMELY horny. She grits her teeth as she tries to wriggle away from Lister and Kryten's grip and pounce on Rimmer, who is, of course, still doused in sexual magnetism virus. Lovely! 16. Int. An Elevator. Kryten: Mr Cat sir, put the lift on hold. Cat presses the hold button. Kochanski: I want his babies! Lister (to Rimmer): The luck virus, you still got it? Take some, it'll cure the virus and restore you both to normal. Rimmer swigs from the Luck vial. Kochanski: Oh God, that's so embarrassing! Lister: What now Hol? Lister transfers Holly to a screen in the lift. Holly: No time to lose: You should head towards the nearest on of these: Holly lowers his head out of the frame leaving only his bald head on the bottom of the monitor, which is then lit with a blue light. The black background of his screen is covered in stars. Lister: You mean a moon?! Holly (returning): Exactly! Kryten: He's right. We can re-group there and continue our search for the nanos. Rimmer: What about me? Kryten: Well. Suggest we persuade you to come with us, sir, or failing that, we bludgeon you unconscious. Cat: Him come with us?! Are you out of your mind? That's so dumb I should've said it. Kryten: Well, Mr Rimmer has had access to the confidential files sir, he knows all the security codes. Without him our chances of escaping are about as remote as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie. Rimmer: Why would I want to take off with you lot? Kryten: Well, I am very good at laundry sir. Holly: And I do a damn fine moon impression. Cat: And I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear every time I'm in. Kryten: And you know what they say sir, if you've got three good friends, your a rich man. Rimmer: Only poor people say that. Cat: Forget it! He's not gonna change his mind. Kryten: He's right. Time is of the essence. The crew will know we are out of A/R now and are probably sending someone to investigate. Lister: So, what's it to be? Rimmer: If I leave, I'm always gonna be a failure. The shame of it. Every time I have a boiled egg knowing I don't even outrank the toasty soldiers. I want to be an officer, a man of honour. Lister: Officers aren't men of honour. They're head-cases! Those induction pranks they play when you qualify. Rimmer: I've dreamt of that proud day for years now. As I wake up after the celebration party and find that my pubes are orange and I'm handcuffed to a goat. And most hilarious of all, discovering that someone's super-glued me to one those rabbits that whizzes round greyhound tracks. Ahhhh! Those mad japes they play on you. I can't miss all that. Lister: That's not gonna happen for you now man, just like it didn't happen to the other Rimmer. Holly: We're giving you a second chance of life, and an opportunity for you to screw it up in a new and original way! Kryten: You'll get you own seat in the cockpit and you'll be in control of at least five buttons. Kochanski: Krytie, don't be pathetic , he's hardly going to impressed at the prospect of being in charge of a few buttons. Rimmer: FIVE you say?! Lister: No more vending machine maintenance. No more getting heckled by drinks dispensers. Rimmer: That's five WHOLE buttons?! Kochanski: A new start, a new life. Lister: You'll wake up in the morning and you'll want to leap out of bed. Kryten: Well, in your case Mr Lister, sir, that's because your sheets are covered in pointy popadom shards! Rimmer: Tell me more about these buttons. Are some illuminated? Lister: What so you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team. He performed essential functions we've never replaced. Rimmer: What did he do? Lister: I don't know really. He was erm... he erm... erm... he erm... ah! Head of safety. Rimmer: Head of safety, that's a hell of a title. But what did he actually do? Lister: Sought out danger. He sought out peril. And then he advised us of the best way to run away from it. Rimmer: Head of safety... five buttons... I'm in! Cat: He's in! Let's celebrate! I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide. 17. Int. Landing Bay. 18. Int. Blue Midget Cockpit + Ground Control + SFX. A large Caribbean lady, rather less the-woman-of-Cat's-dreams than the Ground Controller our heroes met in A/R, appears on the monitor. Ground Controller: This is ground control. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Cat: You're the ground controller?! Ground Controller: Please state your name and clearance code. Cat: Reality sucks! Ground Controller: Your name's Reality Sucks? [Laughing hysterically:] One second Mr. Sucks. Just checking my clearance list. Lister: Look, just do another smeggin' dance and we can get outta here! Cat: Dance! With her I'd have trouble walking. Powering up. Blue Midget starts running down the landing bay. Ground Controller: Come back Mr. Sucks! Come back! 19. Ext. SFX. Blue Midget leaving Red Dwarf. 20. Int. Cockpit. Kochanski: There's nothing on the scanners for a thousand mile radius. We're in the clear, guys! All except Kryten: YES! Kryten (sobbing): I don't believe we are ma'am. Cat: What's up? Kryten: According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on...and everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud. Rimmer: What are we frighteningly low on, oxygen? Kryten: Worse. Fabric softener. Suggest we chart a course for the nearest derelict, the SS Einstein... Before everyone's woollens get all bibbly-bobbly. Cat: Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America? Rimmer: Einstein discovered the theory of relativity. Cat: Where did he discover it? Was it fossilized and stuff? Rimmer: The theory of relativity is...what is the theory of relativity? Lister: Yeah, what is it Hol? Holly: Bit busy at the moment Dave. Lister: Well, just tell us what it is in sort of simple layman's terms? Holly: It's a theory. Lister: Yea, but what is it? Holly: Oh, you want it more complicated than that do you? Lister: What does it mean? Holly: It's the theory of relativity. You know, it's a theory you only tell your relatives Rimmer: It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an IQ of six thousand. Now I doubt if he could even spell IQ. Holly: If I'm so stupid, if I'm so computer senile, explain this, then: A pause. Cat: Explain what? Holly: You can't can you! Lister: Explain WHAT? Holly: It's no good stalling, trying to buy time. If I'm so stupid, explain why I was able to recreate a new set of nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew. All: What?! Holly: I thought you'd be pleased Cat: Well, why? Holly: My job is to keep Dave sane. True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best. That's why I create these little diversions to keep him occupied. Lister: But Hol! We could've wound up doing two years in the Brig! Holly: You still could. I've just worked it out. We're sill in A/R. All: WHAT?! Holly: In computer jargon, my plans have all gone tits up. 21. Int. Captain's Office + Cockpit. Captain Hollister is sitting at his desk watching the action in the cockpit on a screen on the wall. Much of the following dialogue (i.e. that between the people on Blue Midget) is heard or seen on the screen, some is actually seen in the cockpit. The action in the cockpit is direct continuous action from the previous scene. Holly: I was out thought and out maneuvered Lister: Who by? Holly: By a superior intellect. Cat: You mean the hand dryer in the men's toilets has out smarted you again! Holly: No, by that other version of me, the one on Red Dwarf. This is still our trial. Cat: Our trial! Why didn't you say? If I'd have known I'd have worn a tie. The intelligent version of Holly appears on the screen. Hollister talks to the cone-headed computer. Hollister: Well, for me Lister's nanobot story is corroborated. They were trying to track them down. Their actions in the psychotropically induced scenario's bare that out. Clever Holly: I agree Frank. I also believe that we indeed died and were resurrected again, born out by their actions. Hollister: So, original changes: all innocent. But it's equally apparent that they used classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own ends. I suspected Rimmer had access the very moment he walked into my office and began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable. Clever Holly: What a give away! Hollister: That's why I got him to lick one of the psychotropic envelopes when I invited him to dinner. Clever Holly: So, abusing classified information. That's a fresh charge. Hollister: And on that they're all guilty. Clever Holly: That's a statutory sentence. Hollister: I know. Two years in the Brig. Clever Holly: So instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years in the Brig, they've been found guilty on another charge and got an entirely different two years in the Brig. That's gonna be a great comfort to them. I'll bring them round and break the news. 22. Int. A/R Suite. Lister, Kryten, Kochanski, Rimmer and Cat are released from A/R, this time for real. Rimmer: This is reality? How can we be sure? Cat: Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense wherever we are. Lister: Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes right? And then we conked out and got carted off to A/R. Before we licked anything, before we licked anything... I lent you my Holly watch Rimmer: So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it... He looks at his wrist; Yes, he is still wearing it. Holly: Oh yeah, this is reality all right. I'd recognize it anywhere. Kryten: Also sir, shouldn't you have the virus's again sir? Again you found them in Starbug before we licked the envelope's. Rimmer produces the luck virus from a pocket Rimmer: The luck virus, maybe we can get out of this mess. A hand grabs the virus. The camera angle changes and we see it's Hollister's. Hollister: I'll have that. The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it. Where's the other one? Rimmer secretly hands the sexual magnetism to Lister. Rimmer: I'm afraid I lost it, sir. Hollister: GOD DAMN IT Rimmer! I wanted that. I mean, the lab boys wanted it, to um, test it too. Damn! Hollister marches out. Kochanski (To Rimmer): This is all your fault... Rimmer: My fault?! Kochanski: You betrayed us over that confidential file scam... Lister: Stole the sexual magnetism... Kryten: You lied to us... Kochanski: And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little rat-bag. Rimmer: And that's bad? ?. Int. A Line-up. Parody of 'The Usual Suspects'. Cat, Rimmer, Kryten, Lister, Kochanski and Holly (on a trolley) are standing in a line-up with ID plates. Captain Hollister (VO): It is the finding of this inquiry, that you have been found guilty of contravening act twenty-one of the Space Federation. Before sentencing, you will have medicals so that you can be assigned appropriate prison status. Holly: I've buggered this up a bit haven't I! 23. Int. By an elevator. We see a close-up of the elevator keypad. A hand slots a key into a lock and opens a window in the keyhole with a button on it to Floor 13. Thehandpresses the button. 24. Int. SFX. Elevator descending. 25. Int. The Tank. A number of new recruits to the Tank, including Rimmer, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten, are standing in lines in their prison issue lilac overalls. Lovely. A scary man stands at the top of a stairwell. He is the governor, Ackerman. Ackerman: Welcome to The Tank. Lister is standing behind Rimmer. He unscrews the sexual magnetism vial and pours some onto Rimmer, then legs it. After a few seconds the inmates around him start to react, stroking him and coming onto him... The world loves a bastard! THE END Roll Credits: Rimmer CHRIS BARRIE Lister CRAIG CHARLES Cat DANNY JOHN-JULES Kryten ROBERT LLEWELLYN Kochanski CHLOE ANNETT Holly NORMAN LOVETT Captain MAC McDONALD Ackerman GRAHAM McTAVISH First Ground Controller YASMIN BANNERMAN Second Ground Controller JEILLO EDWARDS MP Thornton KARL GLENN STIMPSON Casting Director LINDA GLOVER Music HOWARD GOODALL CLEMENT ISHMAEL Choreographer CHARLES AUGINS Production Assistant MIKE AMOS Graphic Designers ANDY SPENCE BEN SHEPHERD General Manager (GNP) HELEN NORMAN Production Co-Ordinator RACHEL STEWART Post Production Co-Ordinator SIMON BURCHELL Stage Manager JACQUELINE ZOPPI-TIGHE Gaffer JOHN BARKER Props Master PAUL DE CSERNATONY Props Buyer TIM YOUNGMAN Art Director IAN READE-HILL Vision Mixer JOHN BARCLAY Engineering manager ALAN GODLEMAN Camera Operator ANDY MARTIN Location Sound NIGEL DAVIS Sound Supervisor JEM WHIPPEY Geoff Moss Editor MARK WYBOURN Script Associate PAUL ALEXANDER Script Supervisor GILLIAN WOOD First Assistant Director JULIE SYKES Visual Effects Designer JIM FRANCIS Ed Smith Mark Howard Digital Effects Designer CHRIS VEALE Make-Up Designer ANDREA FINCH Costume Designer HOWARD BURDEN Line Producer JO BENNETT Production Designer MEL BIBBY Director of Photography PETER MORGAN Executive Producer DOUG NAYLOR Produced and Directed by ED BYE GRANT NAYLOR PRODUCTIONS FOR BBC MCMXCIX This episode of Red Dwarf was transcribed by Den Cage (DC@rdw.org). It is copyrighted by Grant Naylor Productions and the BBC and no infringement of this is intended. This transcript may be freely distributed on non-subscription websites as long as this notice is not removed. http://www.rdw.org. Den Cage. 9 March 1999.