RED DWARF VIII EPISODE FOUR 'CASSANDRA' Transcribed by Den Cage (DC@rdw.org) 1. Ext. SFX. Red Dwarf in space. 2. Int. SFX. The Tank Control Tower. 3. Int. Rimmer and Lister's Cell. Lister enters and activates his Holly watch. Holly appears on a screen. Lister: Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Hol? Holly: I have actually Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the prison ranks, and I think I've come up with something which means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen weeks. Lister: Oh brilliant, what've I got to do? Holly: Become a dog. Lister: A dog?! Holly: According to my databanks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics. Lister: Yeah, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog! Holly: Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National Inquirer, the operation's quite straight forward. A "roverostomy" they call it. There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done. Holly's image is replaced by the front cover of a magazine with a photo of a dog and the text 'Exclusive! Man becomes dog'. Lister: That's a dog! Holly: See how convincing it is, even you're fooled! Lister: Become a dog? That is without doubt the stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic plan you've come up with all week. Holly: Give me a chance. It's only Monday. Lister deactivates Holly. Enter Rimmer. Rimmer: What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy. Lister: What are you on about? You had none of that stuff. Rimmer: You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy! Lister: We're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being...what's that word women tennis players always reckon was so important Rimmer: Cunnilingus? Lister: ...Centred. By being centred. Focused. It's only two years, and with good behavior it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born; then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past! Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging. A prison guard enters and sets a silver case with the word 'CANARIES' written on the side down on the table. Lister: What's this? Guard: Canary outfits and first meeting information. The guard exits. Lister goes over to his bunk, carrying the case. Lister: I volunteered for the Canaries. Some bloke came down the machine shop so I signed up. Rimmer: The Canaries?! Lister: Yeah, y'know, a bit of close part harmony, you should see the list of privileges you get, unbelievable. Rimmer: You don't know what the Canaries are do you? Lister: Of course I do, a singing group, acappella... [sings:] "You are the sunshine of my life, oooh, that's why I'll always be your..." Lister notices Rimmer's face... Lister: They're nothing to do with singing, are they? Holly lied to me, didn't he? Rimmer nods Lister: Oh, he was taking the smeg. Rimmer: Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy! Lister: Well go on then, what've I signed up for? Rimmer: In the 19th Century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage... Lister: What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century weren't they, eh?! I mean, how much coal can a little canary get? Rimmer: ...and if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did. Lister: Complained to the foreman? Rimmer: It died Listy, the canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and smeggy situations... Lister bangs his head on the table. Rimmer: ...and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. Lister: I'm gonna kill him! Rimmer: How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them? Lister: When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, y'know what I'm saying!? It's like playing golf. I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side. Rimmer: The canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded Inbred Red Evil Sheep-shaggers! They haven't got an X chromosome to share between them! Lister: Smeg! It gets worse as well. Rimmer (laughing): Worse?! Go on. Lister: I've signed you up too... Forged your signature. I thought I was doing you a favour. Rimmer: Me, why?! Lister: I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone... Rimmer: No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary! 4. Int. The Tank. Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski, Cat and several other Canaries, including one called Kill Crazy, who is a bit of a psycho, stand in lines in front of Ackerman, the Chief Warden, who is standing on a platform. Ackerman: It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment. Kill Crazy (screaming): At last some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not killing nothing. Yes! Warden Knot: Kill Crazy, shut up you punk! Captain Hollister arrives on Ackerman's platform. Hollister: Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the S.S.S. Silverberg buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board and find out why. Rimmer steps forward and faces the Canaries and conducts... Rimmer: A one, a two, a one two three four Kryten, Kochanski, Lister, Cat (singing and dancing): "You are the sunshine of my life oooh, that's why I'll always be your man..." Rimmer: Sorry sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby room, we'll leave immediately sir Ackerman runs down the stairs from his platform to Rimmer. Ackerman: You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it. Rimmer: Yes sir, thank you sir. (addressing the Canaries again:) You heard what the warden says, so lets get on with it. Ackerman returns to the platform with Hollister. Rimmer: From the top They start singing and dancing again Kryten, Kochanski, Lister, Cat: "You are the sunshine of my life..." Hollister: Rimmer! Ackerman runs down the stairs again. Rimmer: Sorry sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant... Ackerman: Shut up! You're a Canary, man: a member of the toughest convict army this side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are. Now, start behaving like a man. Rimmer: A man, sir, yes of course, sir...a man...a man... Maybe you could remind me, sir? It'll all come back... Warden Knot goes over to Rimmer and grabs him in the groinal area, twisting rather ferociously, as we see from Rimmer's expression! Ackerman: Continue, Captain. Hollister: It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so be careful. Kill Crazy: LET'S GO KILL SOMETHING!!!! YEESSSS!!!!!!!!! Kill Crazy stands gourmlessly for a few seconds, then promptly follows the other Canaries out. 5. Underwater. SFX. A diving bell approaches the S.S.S. Silverberg. 6. Int. Diving bell. The Canaries sit solemnly. Only Kill Crazy is excited... Kill Crazy: I hope it's got like big teeth and claws and like loads of heads. Yeahhh, GREAT!! 7. Underwater. SFX. The diving bell attaches itself to the ship. 8. Int. An Air Lock. The Canaries are in a hatchway, about to board the Silverberg. Kill Crazy: Here we go, at last. YEAH!!! He runs forward and smacks his head on the top of the hatch, knocking himself out. The others disregard his unconscious body and walk on. 9. Int. An engineering deck on the S.S.S. Silverberg. The Canaries have split into groups. Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat are present. Lister: OK, stay together; keep 'em peeled. Rimmer notices something and gives a terrified jump: Rimmer: What's that!? Kryten: What? Where? Rimmer: It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf! Kryten: I think that's your shadow, sir. Kochanski enters down some stairs. Kochanski: I've located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something. 10. Int. The Mainframe. Kryten, Kochanski, Lister, Cat and Rimmer enter. A female computer's head is visible on a projector. She is called Cassandra. Cassandra (addressing Rimmer): Good evening Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very much. Rimmer: How do you know my name? Cassandra: My name is Cassandra. I am a computer, with the ability to predict the future with an accuracy rating of 100%... Bless you. Rimmer: Bless you? What do you mean 'bless you'? He sneezes. Cassandra: You need a tissue. Kris has one in her left hand pocket. She says 'would you like this?'; you say 'thanks'. Kochanski: Would you like this? Rimmer: Thanks. Cassandra: Extraordinary. Kryten: Extraordinary. Cassandra: The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future. Kochanski: The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future. Cassandra: But how does it work? The future's not happened yet. Lister: But I'm not gonna say that Cassandra: I never said you would. Lister: But how DOES it work? The future's not happened yet. Cassandra: Although you do. Lister: Smeg! Rimmer: Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie! Lister: OK Cassandra, do we ever get back to earth? Has the human race survived? Cat: Do I ever find my singing tie-pin? Kochanski: But, do we want to know all this stuff about our future? Do we want to know for example, how and when we die? Rimmer: Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever... Cassandra, I have a question. Cassandra: I know Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation. Rimmer: So what's the answer? Cassandra: He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth. Lister: What was the question? Rimmer: I just asked how you died. Lister: You what?! I didn't want to know that... Who's bra? Cat: 181?! Probably your own! Lister: Come on though. Taking a bra off with me teeth aged 181?! That's a hell of a sexy way to go! Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir. Lister: I'm really screwed up now. I never wanted to know that. Know how I die. It's completely spoilt the surprise. Cassandra: Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates. Kryten: I have a theory everyone. The Silverberg didn't crash, did it Cassandra? The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you; to abandon you on the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of deep space Cat: That's brilliant bud, how'd you work that out? Kryten holds up a piece of paper Kryten: I read it on this mission directive here. Lister: So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew. Kryten: A computer that unerringly predicts the future... Cassandra: ... Is a dangerous thing indeed... Kryten: ... Is a dangerous...yes, precisely. Rimmer: We... should be making tracks Cassandra: I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer... Rimmer: Yes! Cassandra: ...who will be dead in 20 minutes. Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive. Lister: What happens to Rimmer? Cassandra: He has a heart attack brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to die, and collapses during a conversation with me in 19 minutes and 31 seconds. Rimmer: I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you. Cassandra: We shall see, or rather you should see; I have already seen. Kochanski: All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. Cat: Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck: it's one up, all up! Exit. 11. Int. A cargo deck on the S.S.S. Silverberg. Kochanski, Lister, Rimmer and Cat are sitting drinking coffee from flasks while Kryten walks behind them. Lister: Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this is it? Cat: Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousand of times. We're veterans. Lister: Future echoes, remember? Cat: Future echoes, oh right. Kochanski: What was that? Lister: Well, we learnt that the future's already decided, you can't change it. Rimmer: Yeah, but what do you know? You're a chicken soup machine repairman, not Hank Hanson: Space Adventurer. Don't get ideas above your station... and your station is git central. Lister: Hey, I've been surviving in space 5, 6 years. When it comes to wierdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt. Kryten: He bought it and I ironed it for him. Lister: Exactly. Rimmer: So, you're saying the future's the future and like you underpants, the chances of change are remote? Well I'm sorry; I don't accept it. Lister: Hey, I'm not happy about it man. Cat: None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell, I'll probably have to help dig the hole. Rimmer: Right. So to summarize: Six years of space adventuring, six years of experience and knowledge have led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed. Kryten: Mr Rimmer has a point sir. Your greater knowledge is making you pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost dough-like naivete is keeping his mind receptive to a possible solution. Lister: Shut your stupid flat head, you. Kochanski: So you're saying that when you don't know enough to know that you don't know enough, there's no fear holding you back, you can achieve things which people with more brains can't? Kryten: Precisely. Kochanski: He's got the power of ignorance. Kryten: And with the ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful men who ever lived! Harness your stupidity sir, employ your witlessness, use your empty headed, simplistic, moron mind and find a solution. Rimmer: OK! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay our meeting with Cassandra in your CPU and tell me if at any point anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'. Lister: What? Kryten: At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'. In fact, we barely looked at you. Rimmer: That's just what I thought. Cassandra said Rimmer dies, but it doesn't necessarily follow that that means me! Lister: Who does it mean then, your dad? Rimmer: Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack, someone she's been told is called Rimmer. Kochanski: He's right. Rimmer: All I've got to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as Rimmer (he points to his name label on his jacket) and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me! Kryten: Such low life conniving, it's impossible not to be impressed. What I wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir. Rimmer gives the Cat a sly look. Cat: Now wait a minute! Kryten: Oh look, here's Mr Knot. Warden Knot enters Knot: You made this area secure? Rimmer: Yes, sir, Mr Knot, sir. Coffee, sir? Knot: I've been asked by the captain to inspect the mainframe. Where is it? Rimmer gets up and walks towards Knot but trips and spills the coffee all over him. Knot: You idiot, what the hell do you think you're doing? Rimmer: Please, have my jacket, I insist... Knot takes Rimmer's jacket and puts it on. Rimmer: ...Then I shall lead you to Cassandra. There we are, sir. A perfect fit, sir. Knot: Lead the way Rimmer. Rimmer: Don't call me Rimmer. Knot: That's your name. Rimmer: Yes but Rimmer, it's so full of nobility and quiet courage, call me arse-wipe or fish-breath. But not Rimmer, sir, never Rimmer, sir. Knot: Okay arse-wipe whatever you say. Now, where's the mainframe? 12. Int. The Mainframe. Rimmer and Knot enter Cassandra's den. Cassandra: Hello Arnold, bang on time. Rimmer: I've brought you a visitor Cassandra, do you know his name? Cassandra: Yes I do. Not - Rimmer: What! Cassandra: Not - Rimmer: Knot! Cassandra: Let me finish. Not that it matters what his name is, I mean our relationship doesn't last very long. Knot: I understand that you have the ability to predict... Cassandra: The future... Yes, I do. Knot: 100% reli - Cassandra: able? Well, yes. Knot: What happens to me? Do I get back to Earth? Cassandra: No, you die in about 4 seconds time of a heart attack after hearing the news that you're going to die of a heart attack. Knot: You filthy... He collapses to his death bed. Cassandra: Poor Rimmer. Rimmer: Yes, poor old Rimmer. Knot: My name is Knot... Rimmer: Your name is not what? Rimmer: Not not, Knot. Knot takes his final breath, and dies. Rimmer: Is he dead now? Cassandra: I'm afraid so. Rimmer: YESSSS! Cassandra: He died of a massive coronary just as I prophesied. Rimmer: Yes! Cassandra: You seem inordinately happy Arnold, but why? You're going to die too. Rimmer: But you said I, I just ch-... Uhhh... I'm going to die too? Cassandra: I already told you. Rimmer dies of a heart attack, then you and all of the other Canaries die too. All except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat. I've seen it. Rimmer: That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this? He shows her his outstretched middle finger then exits in a rage. Cassandra: Yes, I'm afraid I have 13. Int. A corridor on the Silverberg. Kochanski, Kryten, Lister, Rimmer and Cat are walking down a corridor. Rimmer: You were right, there's nothing I can do Kryten: According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive, therefore, while we're hear, we cannot die. Regard: He holds a gun to his head and pulls the trigger; it fails to fire. He tries shooting Cat, Kochanski and Lister too, but the gun does not fire either. Then he points the gun at Rimmer: Kryten: Duck, sir. Rimmer ducks as the gun fires this time. The bullet ricochets off the wall and off down the corridor, then returns: Kryten : Duck again, sir. Rimmer once again ducks as the bullet returns, hitting the wall behind him, then out of shot. Cat pulls an axe off the wall. Kryten: Just as I thought... Cat: So, in other words, if I... Cat thumps Lister on the back of the head with the handle end of the axe, and the wood of the handle breaks in two. Lister: What was that for? Cat: You can't die! Lister: Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger! Kryten: So how about this: we use our powers of invulnerability, which will last till we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mr Rimmer, escort him up to the ops deck and into the diving bell. 14. Int. A vast matrix of corridors on the Silverberg. Kryten, Cat, Kochanski and Lister form a human shield around Rimmer and shuffle along the corridors. For the most part, Rimmer is hidden from view, but he sticks his head up occasionally. They come to the entrance to the airlock. Lister: The diving bell, we've made it. Breaking the human shield, they are surprised to find Rimmer has gone! Kochanski: Where did he go? They return the way they came, and come to a hole in the gantry floor where Rimmer had fallen down: Lister: Yo! Rimmer looks up at them, clearly distressed. 15. Int. A gantry. Lister, Cat and Kryten lower Kochanski down the hole to where Rimmer is sitting. A strange noise: Cat: Hear that? Kryten: Water! Lister: Kris, take cover, the water's coming. Cat: Quick, the diving bell. Kryten, Lister and Cat return to the diving bell. Kochanski and Rimmer climb into a chamber. Water floods the room. 16. Int. Another corridor. Kochanski and Rimmer are in another corridor somewhere in the bowels of the ship. Kochanski: Great, everything above us is flooded and we're back in the bowels with Cassandra. Rimmer: It's coming true... My death! It's all coming true... 17. Int. The Mainframe. Cassandra is present. Enter Rimmer. Cassandra: You tried to cheat the future and failed as I knew you would. Rimmer: So what happens now? How...how do I die? Cassandra: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun. Rimmer is stunned! Rimmer: Can you just double check that? Cassandra: I've seen it, it's what happens, in the old laundry room. Rimmer: So let me just repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier... Me and her were in bed, giving it riz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love with Kochanski? Cassandra: That is what is going to happen. Rimmer: FANTASTIC!!!! 18. Int. The old laundry room on the Silverberg. Rimmer is on his hands ad knees, flattening out an old mattress while Kochanski, bearing a worried look of horror stands in one corner. Kochanski: I can't believe what you're telling me! Rimmer: I can scarcely believe it myself! I mean, obviously you're incredibly attractive, but I never thought you'd look at me twice! Kochanski: Neither did I! Rimmer: But apparently we're going to make love. Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?! It's not warm in here; fancy a wee nip? Kochanski: No, no. Rimmer pours himself one. Kochanski: But why would I want to sleep with YOU? I mean, it doesn't make sense! Rimmer: Maybe you get blind drunk. Kochanski: Well, that doesn't excuse my other four senses. Rimmer: Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started? I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future, sadly! Kochanski: But...you said you could. Rimmer: Yeah, I've changed my mind now. Kochanski: Well look, are you sure you wouldn't prefer to play the opera game instead? Rimmer: Kris, it's what Cassandra saw, you can't cheat fate. Kochanski: Well you just watch me, because there's no way on Earth I'm climbing out of my clothes and clambering into that bed. Rimmer turns a tap on the wall and a pipe next to Kochanski bursts, showering her with jets of water. Kochanski: My clothes are soaking! Rimmer: Why don't you take them off, and put them on the heater! Kochanski walks over to Rimmer, wrapping herself in a sheet. She grabs his glass and takes a 'wee nip'. Kochanski (distraught): It's coming true, it's all coming true. Rimmer (delighted): It's coming true! It's all coming true! 19. Underwater. SFX. The diving bell leaving the S.S.S. Silverberg. 20. Int. The diving bell. Kill Crazy is still semi-conscious. He lies on the floor groaning. Lister, Kryten and Cat are present too, Lister trying to put on a pair of goggles. Cat: Bud, you can't go back there. Lister: Cassandra said Kris survives; the only way that's gonna happen is if someone goes back there and saves her. Chuck us that harpoon gun will you. Cat does so. 21. Int. The old laundry room. Kochanski is naked, except for a grey sheet. Rimmer is wearing a T-shirt and boxer shorts. She is lying on the mattress, still looking distraught. He is dancing and singing. He finally lowers himself onto the mattress next to her. Kochanski: I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced by pre-determinism theory. Rimmer: One hour exactly! Rimmer tries to get closer to Kochanski, and Kochanski just about gives a 'what the Hell' expression. Just then, Lister enters with his harpoon gun. As he speaks he picks up Rimmer's glass of drink. Rimmer: Oh bloody buggering hell! Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward! Lister: I've got it. Rimmer: That's more than I did. Lister: I've worked it all out. Rimmer (to Kochanski): I never get any breaks ever, 20 seconds later and you could have been on top and I could have used you as a human shield. Kochanski: I must have been mad, what the Hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you! Lister: Look, will you shut up and listen to me. Kochanski: No, why aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him? Lister: 'Cos I know why you're in bed with him, and I also know that I don't kill him. Kochanski: Oh, but Cassandra promised. Lister: Cassandra made that up, to force you together so that you'd feel sorry for him and hopefully end up sleeping with him. Rimmer: So why'd she say she saw it happen? Lister: To try and make it happen. Kochanski: Why? Lister: To try and punish me. Rimmer: Punish you, why? Lister: Because Cassandra knows, and has always known how she dies. So she's trying to make me suffer now, for something I'm destined to do in the future. Rimmer: You kill her don't you? That's why she hates you, because she knows you're going to kill her. Lister: That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out. Rimmer: Kryten figured it out did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done! Lister: I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now; I'll... see you two lovebirds later. Lister exits, bringing with him the glass. Rimmer: Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather spent my final hour with than you. I...I'm not all bad, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive. Kochanski: Bye. Rimmer dons a cheeky grin and holding up Kochanski's black lace underwear: Rimmer: By the way, is it OK if I keep these? 22. Int. The Mainframe. Cassandra is present. Lister enters ad puts his drink down on a desk. Lister: If the future's all worked, horoscopes and all that stuff, it means we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just, say, actors saying lines in a script written by someone else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that I'm in charge of my own life; my own destiny, so I'm not gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm outta here. Cassandra: But you do kill me, I've seen it. Lister: Tomorrow's a new day, a fresh page in a book that's not been written yet. What happens in the future is up to me, not some predetermined destiny smeg. I'll see you, kidder. As he leaves, he takes his chewing gum out of his mouth and sticks it to the wall by the doorway. The chewing gum falls off the wall, landing on a desk lamp, which lowers down, knocking a switch that turns on a fan. The chewing gum is blown off the lamp, into Lister's glass, which falls off the desk onto the floor, the contents spilling down the wall. The liquid enters the power socket and sparks fly down the cable that leads to Cassandra's projector. Cassandra explodes. Lister looks back: Lister: Smeg! THE END Roll Credits: Rimmer CHRIS BARRIE Lister CRAIG CHARLES Cat DANNY JOHN-JULES Kryten ROBERT LLEWELLYN Kochanski CHLOE ANNETT Holly NORMAN LOVETT Special Guest Star as Cassandra GERALDINE McEWAN Captain MAC McDONALD Ackerman GRAHAM McTAVISH Kill Crazy JAKE WOOD Warden Knot SHEND Guard IAN SOUNDRY Blood Drinker JOSPEH CRILLY Stunt Co-ordinator ICK GILLARD Casting Director LINDA GLOVER Music HOWARD GOODALL Production Assistant MIKE AMOS Graphic Designers ANDY SPENCE General Manager (GNP) HELEN NORMAN Production Co-Ordinator RACHEL STEWART Post Production Co-Ordinator SIMON BURCHELL Stage Manager JACQUELINE ZOPPI-TIGHE Gaffer JOHN BARKER Props Master PAUL DE CSERNATONY Props Buyer TIM YOUNGMAN Art Director IAN READE-HILL Vision Mixer JOHN BARCLAY Engineering manager ALAN GODLEMAN Camera Operator ANDY MARTIN Location Sound NIGEL DAVIS Sound Supervisor JEM WHIPPEY Geoff Moss Editor MARK WYBOURN Dave White Script Associate PAUL ALEXANDER Script Supervisor GILLIAN WOOD First Assistant Director JULIE SYKES Visual Effects Designer JIM FRANCIS Ed Smith Mark Howard Digital Effects Designer CHRIS VEALE Make-Up Designer ANDREA FINCH Costume Designer HOWARD BURDEN Line Producer JO BENNETT Production Designer MEL BIBBY Director of Photography PETER MORGAN Executive Producer DOUG NAYLOR Produced and Directed by ED BYE GRANT NAYLOR PRODUCTIONS FOR BBC MCMXCIX This episode of Red Dwarf was transcribed by Den Cage (DC@rdw.org). It is copyrighted by Grant Naylor Productions and the BBC and no infringement of this is intended. This transcript may be freely distributed on non-subscription websites as long as this notice is not removed. http://www.rdw.org. Den Cage. 14 March 1999.