BY: Kevin Wilson (whizzard@uclink.berkeley.edu)

RED DWARF Season XXV Episode 4 - "Man's Best Friend"


HOLLY:  This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red
Dwarf.  The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.  The only survivors
are Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and
his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.  Revived three million
years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his
cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

HOLLY: Additional.  While running a supply inventory, I noticed that we had
completely run out of curry powder.  I'm trying to decide how to tell Lister.
I don't think he's going to take the news well.

[scene: Lister and Cat walk up to a food dispenser. ]

LISTER:  All right, lunch!  I'm famished!  I haven't had a bite in over two
hours.

CAT:  Yoooow!  Me neither.  I'm fallin' behind on my meals!  I've had eight
sleeps today, but only five eats! [turns to dispenser] Fish!

MACHINE:  Today's fish is cajun snapper. [produces a dish] Enjoy your meal.

[ CAT takes his fish and sits down. ]

LISTER:  [knocks on machine twice] 'Ey, McNabb, I'll have the usual.

[ MACHINE produces a bowl of something green and puree'd. ]

MACHINE:  Enjoy your meal.

LISTER:  What's this?  I said..[taps machine twice]..I'll have the USUAL.

[ MACHINE produces a plate of spaghetti. ]

MACHINE:  Enjoy your meal.

LISTER: (angry)  Now look you stupid reject from an airport diner, when I say
that I want the usual, I mean that I want a curry and a beer milkshake.  You
had it right yesterday, now gimme the USUAL!

[ MACHINE whirs for a minute, then produces a potnoodle.  LISTER cringes away
from it in horror. ]

MACHINE:  Enjoy your meal.

LISTER:  Augh!  A potnoodle!  Take it back!  Take it back!  [potnoodle goes
back.]  Hol!

HOLLY:  Yo.

LISTER:  What's wrong with the food dispenser?  I asked it for a curry and a
beer milkshake and it tried to poison me with a potnoodle!

HOLLY:  Well, you see, the thing about a food dispenser, is that it dispenses
food.  Hence the name, food dispenser.  Now, a food dispenser needs one vital
element in order to dispense food, namely food.  Without food, a food
dispenser can hardly dispense food, now can it?

LISTER:  Hol, what are you getting at?

HOLLY:  Lister, we're out of curry powder.

[ HOL might as well have said "Lister, have you noticed that second head
  growing from your armpit?" because he can't grasp it. ]

LISTER:  Run that by me again, Hol.  Only this time, I don't want to hear the
words 'curry powder' and 'out of' in the same sentence.

HOLLY:  Lister, we are out of something.  That something is curry powder.

LISTER:  Oh smeg!  Holly, those curries have made life bearable, kept me eyes
from looking at razors and comparing the fit to my wrists, kept me alive!
We CAN'T be out of curry powder!

HOLLY:  I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid we are.  [shades of HAL 9000.]

[close-up on Lister's face.  He's cracked.  It's fairly obvious. ]

LISTER:  AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! [He faints.]

CAT:  [Keeps eating.]

HOLLY:  Hey, Cat.

CAT:  (protectively) You can't have my food!

HOLLY:  Oh, nevermind.  I'll get Kryten.

[scene:  TV Lounge.  Kryten is watching "Androids".  Rimmer is directing a 
skutter to sculpt a small statue of himself.]

RIMMER:  Right.  Good.  No, wait.  The nose is too big, make it smaller.
[skutter taps at nose with tiny hammer.]  No, you hamfisted idiot!  You've
ruined it!  It's too small now! [skutter flips him off.]  Right, I'll have
you peeling potatoes all week for that!

[The skutter puts down the tiny hammer and picks up a heavy iron mallet that
is lying on the table.  It approaches RIMMER threateningly.]

RIMMER:  You put that down!  You could damage my light bee! [skutter nods.]
Help!  Mad droid!  It's foaming at the mouth!

[He takes to his heels in panic.  KRYTEN is too absorbed in his soaps to
notice.  The skutter pauses by the statue long enough to deal it a vicious
blow to the goolies with the hammer.]

HOLLY:  Kryten.

[KRYTEN doesn't hear.]

HOLLY:  Kryten.

[KRYTEN doesn't hear.]

HOLLY:  What we have here, is a failure to communicate.  [TV shuts off.]

KRYTEN:  What?  I was watching that.

HOLLY:  Kryten, it's Lister.  He's had a nasty shock.  He may need your help.

KRYTEN:  What sort of shock?

HOLLY:  He just found out that we're out of curry powder.

KRYTEN: (horrified) Oh my goodness!  And I've been selfishly absorbed in my
own pleasure all this time!  If anything happens to him, I'll never forgive
myself!  

[He rushes out.  HOLLY looks around, then turns the TV on and starts watching
it.]

[scene: KRYTEN is rushing down a hall away from the camera.  After he passes
an intersection, RIMMER runs past being chased by the skutter.  KRYTEN pauses
and looks back.  Seeing nothing, he shrugs and continues onward.]

[scene: Dining room.  CAT is still eating happily, entertained by LISTER, who
is standing on top of a table, with a rope around his neck.]

LISTER:  They won't have me to kick around anymore.

CAT:  Whaddya mean, buddy?  We'll still have you around.

LISTER:  (pauses) That's sick, even for you, Cat.

[KRYTEN bursts into the room.]

KRYTEN:  Don't do it, sir!  [He rushes over to Lister, and accidentally
knocks the table out from under him.]

LISTER: (choking)  Auuughhh.....urrrkkk....

CAT:  Hey, you never told me you could sing like that.  I think I'll join
you!  Auuugghh....urrrkkk...yooowwwl...

KRYTEN:  Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!  I'll save you sir!  

[He tries to go to LISTER to help, but Lister's wildly flailing legs connect
with his head, which flies off.  KRYTEN's headless body drops to its
knees and begins looking for the head while LISTER continues to jerk on the 
end of the rope.  CAT has climbed up on top of his table and is yowling along
with Lister.  In the background we see RIMMER run past, pursued by the insane
skutter.  Suddenly, there is a voice from a large bowl of potato salad (which
has no real explanation.  This is a comedy show.) ]

KRYTEN:  Nevermind me, body!  Save Mr. Lister!  I'll be all right!  *glub*
Oh no, not extra creamy!

[The body stands up and manages to get under Lister, who stands on its
shoulders and gets the rope off his neck.  The body helps him down, and lays
him on a table, where he coughs a bit.]

CAT:  Aww, singing's over.  [Accidentally knocks his plate of fish on the
floor.]  My fish!  It's getting away!  [He leaps off the table after it, a
face plant sort of dive.]

KRYTEN'S HEAD: (garbled) Oh sir.  My guilt circuit is melting!  I'm SO sorry!

LISTER:  (hoarsely) Don'..Don't worry about it.  I guess I can't do anything
right.

KRYTEN'S HEAD:  [spits out an olive.]  Sir, you mustn't come down so hard on
yourself.  It's only a condiment!

LISTER:  It's more than a condiment, Kryten.  Curries are a philosophy, a way
of life.  [He stands up and walks over to the bowl and tastes the potato
salad.]  Ugh.  That potato salad's gone off.  No Kryten, without curry, I
don't want to live.  [He leaves the room.]

KRYTEN:  Oh dear.  This doesn't look good.

CAT:  (popping up over the table) What doesn't?  Did I miss something?

KRYTEN:  You didn't notice Mr. Lister trying to kill himself?

CAT:  Oh, that.  Say, I never knew that dude could sing like that.  He's a
diva!  [Goes back under table.  We hear chewing sounds.]

[ KRYTEN sighs, and leaves the room with his head under his arm.  RIMMER
runs past.  It seems the skutter has gotten out its cowboy hat and a gun and
is chasing him now.  CAT briefly pops up, looks puzzled, then goes back to
eating.]

[scene: A bar.  Lister is sitting next to pyramid of lager cans.  It seems
rather small until the camera pans back to show that it nearly reaches the
ceiling.  He is pished, so to speak.]

LISTER: (singing) [hums incoherently] It's cold outshide, there'sh no kind of
atmosphhere, I'm all alone, more or lesh...

[He staggers over to the pyramid, and looks at the can in his hand.  Suddenly
angry, he throws the can at the pyramid, which promptly collapses on top of 
him.  He lays there.]

HOLLY:  Lister, good news, Lister.

LISTER:  Pish off.

HOLLY:  Ew, don't breathe on the screen like that, you'll set it on fire.

LISTER:  I shaid, pish off.

HOLLY:  I'm picking up the signal from one of the Jupiter mining company's
emergency supply pods.  Curries, Lister, all you want.  There for the taking.

LISTER:  Read my bips.  P-I-S-S-S.  O-F-F.

[RIMMER suddenly ducks into the room.  The skutter goes by outside.  RIMMER
stands there for a moment, breathing heavily.  Then he notices the wreckage.]

RIMMER:  Holly, what the smeg is that?

HOLLY:  That's Lister.  He's trying to drink himself to death.

RIMMER:  More power to him.  Why didn't he do it sooner?

HOLLY:  We're out of curries.  There's a supply pod nearby and he's too far
gone to even care.

RIMMER:  [Walks up to Lister] Ah, you poor wreckage of a man.  This is how
you come to your end, drowned in Lager.  Well, I'll just say this.  I knew
it all along.  [Lister's finger stirs.]  I always knew you'd amount to
nothing and you'd die in some alley or bar or gutter.  [Lister's hand
clenches.]  Well, it's too bad you're dying.  [RIMMER laughs nasally.]
Yessir, too bad indeed.  No one to slob up my room, or chew their toenails in
my bed, or insult me, or annoy me.  Hmm...I think this calls for a happy
tune.  Hol, play me some Hammond Organ music, loudly.  [He leaves the room,
vaguely dancing.  As he does so, LISTER sits up with a nasty look on his
face.  RIMMER seems to have sobered him up.  Now, he's not pished, he's just
pissed.]

[LISTER stands up uncertainly and gingerly walks out of the bar.  The skutter
runs into him.]

LISTER:  He went thattaway. [points.]

[Skutter rushes off in that direction.]

[Holly appears on his watch.]

HOLLY:  Now, don't do anything rash, Lister.

LISTER:  Hol, you know I can't let him be right about anything if I can help
it.  I'm going for the curry powder.

[LISTER removes his watch and throws it in a nearby garbage bin.]

[scene:  Starbug.  LISTER is here alone.  For once, he is determined to do
something on his own.  He starts up Starbug and flies out of the bay, as
usual, hitting the side.  He flies along with a grim look, which
suddenly becomes absolute astonishment.]

[Shot of Bob's Space Bar and Grill.  An old, 50's style cafe with a bubble
around it.  There is an irising hatch that opens to admit Starbug.  As the
ship flies through, some sort of bubble stretches with it, then pops back to
shape, leaving Starbug inside the breathable atmosphere contained within.]

LISTER:  Holy smeg.

[Shot of Starbug parking outside, next to a Ford '57 modified for space
flight.]

LISTER:  [steps out of Starbug and sees car.]  Smeg.  That is so
gorgeous it hurts me eyes to look at it.  [He walks over to it and caresses
it gently.]  Man, I wish I could take you home with me.  [sighs and enters
Bob's.]

[Apparently some scavenger has transformed the old supply pod into a cafe.
Highly illegal, if Jupiter mining had ever found out, but they didn't.  Of
course, this was 3 million years ago.  The place is in a shambles.]

LISTER:  [looks around.] Ugh, a tornado must've hit the place.  That or a
three-year old.

[There are skeletons at each of the bar stools, and a skeleton standing by
a table with a little ordering pad, wearing a waitress uniform.  There's
even a little tiny skeleton in a highchair and a parrot skeleton on a perch.]

[LISTER walks towards the counter gingerly.  There is a plate on one table
that is covered over completely with mold.  At one time it had been sausages,
now, it lifts an eyeball to look at LISTER's back.]

LISTER:  This place gives me the creeps.

[There is a scuttling noise.  LISTER spins around but sees nothing.  We
notice that the sausage plate is empty.]

LISTER:  I could've sworn I heard something.

[He turns back to the counter, and on a sudden whim, rings the bell for
service.  There is a sudden silence, and LISTER's grin quickly fades away.
While he is distracted, the back door quietly opens and closes again.]

LISTER:  I hate this place.

[He looks at the wall by the door.  There is a switch marked 'Stasis' there.
He flips it and goes inside.  The back room is loaded with foods of all sorts
and shapes.  There are even several crates of curry powder way back in the 
back somewhere.  A stasis field covers the back half, where the food is, but 
Lister has it switched off, sso he doesn't know the dog wasn't in it.
Close up on a pet carrier with a dog skeleton in it.  The mold opens the 
door, enters, and closes it behind itself, using pseudopods to do so.  It 
seems to have some very limited shapechanging abilities.  Close up on 
Lister's face as he takes in all the food.  His happy reverie is broken by 
a sudden bark.]

LISTER:  What the?  A dog?  [He kneels by the pet carrier and looks in.
There is a green, furry poodle inside.]  A green poodle?  That's a new one on
me. [He opens the carrier and picks up the poodle, who is shaved in the style
of sissy poodles everywhere.  The poodle licks him in the face.]  Aw, hey,
cut it out.  [He laughs happily, then sees the crates of curry powder.]  All
right, jackpot!

[I've always felt that LISTER has a soft spot for animals, so I doubt he
would be too worried over a poodle. ]

[scene:  Starbug, LISTER driving, POODLE in the co-pilot's seat.  The back of
the ship is filled with crates.  LISTER is singing, and the POODLE is howling
along with him.]

LISTER:  When we were roamiiiinnnggg...

POODLE:  AOOooo!

LISTER:  throughout the staaaarrrrss...

POODLE:  AOOooo!

LISTER:  We found a pooooddddllllee...

POODLE:  AOOooo!

LISTER:  (thinks a moment) And went hopping baaaaarrrrssss!

POODLE:  (starts barking excitedly.)

LISTER:  (frowns)  Hmm...how am I gonna explain you to Cat?  He'll go ape if
he finds out you're a dog.  I've got it.  [He pulls out an old audio tape and
starts unraveling the tape inside.]

[scene:  The bay, CAT, KRYTEN, and RIMMER are all waiting for Starbug to
return.  Actually, RIMMER is cowering behind a machine.]

KRYTEN:  Really sir, afraid of a harmless little skutter.  You should be
ashamed of yourself.

RIMMER:  Harmless??!  You didn't see the malevolent gleam in his beady little
eyes as he came at me with a sledge hammer!  I barely fought him off and
escaped!

[CAT and KRYTEN look unconvinced.]

HOLLY:  Oi.  Here he comes.  But, I'm picking up something else on the ship.
It isn't human.

RIMMER:  Aliens!

[CAT and KRYTEN groan.  RIMMER stands up from behind the machine with a
stupid grin on his face.]

RIMMER:  Holly, my uniform and speech, quickly.  Also, turn on my hard light
drive so I can shake their hands! [He is redressed and holding a loooong
speech.]

[Starbug lands.  The door opens, and RIMMER stands in front of it, giving his
speech.]

RIMMER:  Welcome, friends!  I, as the leader of the human race, welcome you
to our ship.  I hope that you and your fellow Quagars will be comfortab...

[He is cut off as the POODLE, wearing a black wig of audio tape, jumps on his
chest knocking him down.  The POODLE starts to lick him in the face.]

RIMMER:  Help!  It's eating me!

LISTER:  (walking out)  Calm down, Rimmer.  That's just my sheep, Spot.

KRYTEN:  But sir, that's a do..[LISTER claps his hand over KRYTEN's mouth.]

LISTER:  No.  It's.  Not.  It's.  a.  Sheep.  Understand.  [He looks over at
CAT, who is looking at SPOT with suspicion.]

KRYTEN:  (understanding) Oh, right sir.  But I didn't think that 'sheep' came
in that particular shade.

LISTER:  I dunno.  Maybe he's a mutant, or the result of 3 million years of
evolution.

RIMMER:  (getting up) Well, whatever he is, he could stand a bath and a
vasectomy.  Ugh!

SPOT:  [growls at RIMMER and bites him by the pants leg.]

RIMMER:  Holly, turn the hard light drive off, please.

HOLLY:  I'm sorry, Arnold.  I can't seem to find the off switch.  [smirks and
disappears.]

RIMMER:  Oh, you stupid senile computer.  (to SPOT) Let go you little beast!

CAT:  Well, I don't trust that little thing, but at least he has good taste
in people.

LISTER:  Help me get the crates unloaded, Cat.

CAT:  What's in it for me?

LISTER:  (thinks) How about a fish?

CAT:  Okay!

[They enter Starbug.  KRYTEN goes with them.  Rimmer disengages from SPOT
and goes too.  Close up of SPOT.  His left eye pops out on an antennae and
looks around, then quickly pops back in. ]

[scene:  The parking lot of Bob's Bar and Grill.  LISTER, CAT, and SPOT are
seated in the '57 Chevy.  LISTER does something illegal under the dash, and
it makes sputtering noises.  He tries again, and it starts.  He gives a
thumbs up to KRYTEN, who is standing outside.  KRYTEN disconnects two jumper
cables from the car, and then disconnects them from Starbug, he shuts both
hoods as he does this.  He goes back into Starbug.  LISTER floors the pedal, 
and the '57 takes off, tires squealing, like a bat out of hell.]

CAT & LISTER:  Waaahhhhoooooo!

[scene:  They are flying along to the tune of 'Driving along in my
automobile".  The fluffy dice hanging on the mirror are rocking back and forth
happily, and they are all bobbing their heads to the beat except SPOT, who is
jumping around and barking in excitement, and generally making a nuisance of
himself.  LISTER turns and grins at CAT, who suddenly looks ill.]

CAT:  Hey man, you got something green between your teeth.

LISTER:  (embarassed) Oh smeg.  I hate when that happens.  One time I was
carried off by a tribe of amazons to be their willing sex slave, and just
as I was about to get down to business, I smiled, and the queen saw that I
had a piece of spinach between me teeth.  They got angry and threw me in the
river. (sighs)

CAT:  Really??!!

LISTER:  [grins.]  Cat, you're so gullible.  [He pulls down mirror to check
on the green bit, and forgets to watch his steering.  He is appalled at what
he sees, and no wonder, we can now see that most of his mouth is green.]
What the smeg is THAT??!!

CAT:  Look out!

[ LISTER flips the mirror up out of the way to reveal a green moon right in
front of them.  Everybody screams except SPOT, who cowers.]

[ LISTER steers valiently, slamming on the brakes.  There is a loud screech
from the tires as the go into a spin.]

LISTER:  It's no use, the brakes have gone!

[model shot: '57 crashes into woods, spins, and slams sideways into a big
tree.  Miraculously, everyone is unhurt.]

CAT:  Hey!  That wasn't so bad.

[The tree falls on him and LISTER.]

CAT:  (in pain) Maybe I spoke too soon.

LISTER: (pained) With all these trees hanging over us, Rimmer and Kryten will
never find us.  I'm afraid this is the end, Cat.

CAT:  I'm too young to die!  I still have clothes that I haven't worn yet!

[Suddenly SPOT barks from the back seat.]

LISTER:  (pained) That's it, Spot can bring them here, can't you boy? [SPOT
barks.] Go find them, get help, go!

[SPOT runs off.]

CAT:  That sheep of yours reminds me of an old TV show about a retarded dog
who ran all over the place trying to save people.  [laughs, then groans.]

LISTER: (pained) And what's wrong with that?  Spot's our only hope.

CAT:  Buddy, what do you think death is like?

LISTER:  Why?

CAT:  Just a funny feeling I've got.

[scene:  SPOT is running through meadows, crossing rivers, etc.  Finally, he
gloops off his skeleton to climb a tree.  A pseudopod is held over his
eyeball, indian scout style.  He sees Starbug landing not too far away.  He
climbs back down the tree, puts his skeleton back on, and runs in that
direction.]

[scene:  KRYTEN and RIMMER are getting out of Starbug.  SPOT runs up to them.
He barks a lot and jumps around.]

KRYTEN:  What is it boy?  [bark]  Do you know where Lister and Cat are?
[bark]  Which way are they? [SPOT points with his right front paw.]  Good
boy.

RIMMER:  [amazed]  That dog makes Lassie look retarded.

KRYTEN:  (a bit smugly) It's a sheep, sir.

RIMMER:  Practice your lies on your own time, Kryten, let's go find them.

KRYTEN:  Right, sir.  [He walks off]

RIMMER:  Uhhmm...Kryten, aren't you forgetting something?

KRYTEN:  What?

RIMMER:  A bazookoid.  There could be all sorts of nasty creatures down here.

KRYTEN:  Need I remind you that Holly detected no mobile life forms on this
moon?  The only things down here are us, Spot, and Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat,
wherever they are.  Nothing to fear.  Besides, it's back in Red Dwarf.

RIMMER:  Still, you could go back and get it.

KRYTEN:  Sir, you are wasting valuable time.  They could be hurt!  I have
seen many shows where a wounded person sends a sheep to get help.

RIMMER:  You mean dog.

KRYTEN:  (smugly) That's what I said.  My, I'm getting quite good at this.

RIMMER:  Get the bazookoid, that's an order.

KRYTEN:  [entering ship] Smeeeheee.  Oh, confound it all.

[Starbug lifts off,  RIMMER belatedly realizes that he has been left
unprotected and shouts at the ship awhile.]

[scene: Starbug lands again.  KRYTEN steps out, only to find RIMMER 
mysteriously gone, and green slime on the ground.  He sighs and sets out to
find CAT and LISTER.]

[scene: CAT and LISTER are still pinned under the tree.  They seem to be
talking religion, as many do before they die.  There's a certain dreamy.
delirious tone to their voices.  LISTER has green mold on most of his body.]

LISTER:  Well, I still say that a lapel pin is a silly religious artifact.

CAT:  You wouldn't say that if you had seen the Lapel Pin of Cloister's
nephew.  It was all gold, and shiny, and had a chicken wing on either
side.

LISTER:  Cat, that sounds like an old pair of airline wings.

CATT:  Heretic.  I don't why I bother.

LISTER:  Personally, I never thought much about death.  Except that one time
when me and Rimmer crashed on a frozen moon.  But, even then, I was only
worried about how to get out of it.  At least that time I could help myself.
Now, I can't even wiggle my ears, and I've got green moss growing over my
body.  I should've stayed in bed today.

CAT:  Me too.

[Suddenly SPOT comes running into the clearing.  He drops something from his
mouth.  It's RIMMER's light bee.  RIMMER appears.]

RIMMER:  Ew, augh, dog germs!

CAT:  You mean sheep germs.

RIMMER:  Oh yeah, right.  Hey!  I've found you!  I'm a hero!

LISTER:  Hardly.  Looks more to me like Spot dragged you here against your
will.  And besides, you can't help us, you're not strong enough, even in your
hard light mode, to move this tree.

RIMMER:  Say, Lister, have you finally turned into a giant Chia Pet?

LISTER:  I don't know what it is.  It just started growing when I was driving
along, and we crashed.

CAT:  You crashed.  I had nothing to do with it.

[RIMMER sighs and sits down.]

[scene: KRYTEN is following green slimy marks through the forest.  Suddenly
he comes upon the Boys.]

KRYTEN:  Oh, Mr. Lister sir.  I'm so glad I found you!  [He walks over and
lifts the tree off of them.]  My goodness, what is that growing all over you?
Were you jumped by a killer mushroom?

LISTER: (can't speak.  The mold is filling his throat.) Hnnng.  Hnnng.

KRYTEN:  We'd better get you two back to the sick bay.

[scene:  Sick bay.  LISTER looks like the jolly green giant.  CAT has a
bandage on his leg and is keeping his distance.  KRYTEN, RIMMER, and SPOT
are standing around.]

KRYTEN: (worried) Oh, I don't know what to do.  I've tried all sorts of
pesticides, fungicides, everything.  All I can say is that the mold seems to
resemble Spot.  [All eyes turn to SPOT.]

[SPOT climbs up on the bed beside LISTER, and licks him one last time, then
hops down, walks over to the corner, lies down, and dies, turning brown.

KRYTEN pokes the brown remains, and the brown flakey stuff blows away, 
leaving the bare skeleton.  Suddenly, there is a cry from the bed.]

LISTER: (struggling out of a mass of brown flakey stuff) It's dying!  I'm
saved! (wincing)  Ooh.  Me chest.

KRYTEN:  It looks as though Spot traded his life for yours, sir.

LISTER:  What?!  Oh smeg.  The poor little guy. (He is silent for a moment)
See that he gets a proper burial, Kryten.  We'll hold a funeral service 
tomorrow.  Right now, I need a drink.  (coughs up brown stuff.)

KRYTEN:  Yes sir.  I liked him too, sir.

CAT:  Me too.  He was a good little sheep.

RIMMER: (as LISTER stands up and begins to walk out.)  I don't see why you
are so worried over that little mongrel.  I mean, he was the one who put you
in danger in the first place.

LISTER:  Shut up, Rimmer.

RIMMER:  In fact, I knew he was a psychotic killer mold the first time I laid
eyes on him.  I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset you.

LISTER:  Rimmer, I said shut up.

RIMMER:  Why I wouldn't be surprised..[He is interrupted by a whistle from
LISTER.]

LISTER:  He's over here!

RIMMER:  What?  [He looks where LISTER is shouting to.  The skutter is
barreling down the hallway at full tilt with a shovel in its hand.]  Oh smeg.
[He runs, and the skutter rushes past LISTER.]

[roll credits.]

[In the middle of the credits, the music stops for a second and we hear a
metallic whang, like a light bee being hit with a shovel.  Credits finish.]