Red Dwarf Zero -------------- Based on characters created by Grant Naylor A work of fan fiction by Martin Smith . Unaltered REPRODUCTION of this UNimportant DISINFORMATION is not contraindicated. Not for sale under any circumstances. Do not bend, fold, spindle or mutilate. Not to be taken internally. Red sky at night, the sun just blew up. Episode 1 - Ship Of Fools ------------------------- H: Additional: Only the other day I was warning myself of the dangers of going space crazy. Bloody cheek! Who do I think I am telling myself not to go nuts. Some of my best friends are nuts, a whole packet of them in fact. Opening Scene - Living Quarters Lister had never quite come to terms with the place again after Kryten tidied it up, cleaned up all the smeg and threw out Albert. He'd spent ages messing it up again but it had somehow lost part of its essential squalidness. Smeg it! It was still home and was certainly dirty enough to irriate the hell out of Rimmer, so why worry? Scattered around and stuck to the walls were reminders and souvenirs of past adventures and as Lister sat absently playing with a beermat bearing the words "OUY ROF DOOG SI SSENNIUG" he reflected on how absurd some of them were. What could possibly be left to happen to him? K: Mr Lister sir, I think you should come and see this. L: What's the matter? K: Well sir, Holly has picked up another ship, right in our path. L: Smeg! K: Ably put sir, the odds against it are astronomical. L: Where's it from? K: Well sir, if I were to use the somewhat informal mode of speech you were attempting to teach me yesterday I would say I'm buggered if I know. Though I fail to see how a machine could ... L: Yes alright Kryten, I'll get to that next lesson. What does Rimmer think? K: I'm sorry sir, that does not compute. L: Err, right. What did Rimmer say? K: He believes it's aliens again. I hate to say it but it's possible that sooner or later he could be right. L: Given that he says it about twice a minute? Rimmer enters. He is grinning manically and acting rather excited. R: Well smegging well, at last. It's the smegging aliens. I told you we'd find them didn't I? They might be able to give me a real body again. L: You'd better see if they can do you a real mind as well. R: You can mock Listy, oh yes. You're always putting me down so you look good. Well we'll see who's right and who's one bulb short of a Christmas tree. K: If I might suggest sir, you are missing most of the decorations as well. R: Just a minute Mr Flathead, I think ..... The Cat storms into the room spinning round madly. C: Whoooooooo! Have you guys heard. There's another ship out there. Maybe they've got food on board. Or maybe even women, or even shiny things? I say we transport ourselves over there zappo and take a look. Everyone else looks at each other and speaks in unison: All: An excellent plan with only two minor flaws ... C: Ok guys Ok, I'm sorry. Smeg! I've got to stop doing that. Scene Two - Starbug Interior C: Hey guys, do you think this is a bit of a dangerous thing to do. K: There is a significant element of risk. L: Yes, but it'll be good for a laugh. What does Captain A. J. Rimmer, space adventurer , have to say? R: Errr, bags last one out of the airlock. K: But sir, you are a hologram and are an ideal candidate for being exposed to dangerous situations. R: Correct. I am also smegging scared and I outrank you. Space Corps Directive 179 clearly states ... K: That all sanitary facilities must be cleaned daily. R: 197? K: That's maternity leave. R: 971? Oh forget it. H: Docking complete. No signs of activity. Keep a good look out guys. L: Thanks Hol, see you later. Open the airlock. Scene Three - Dingy Corridor L: Right guys, lets stick together and nobody do anything stupid ok? K: Affirmative R: No fear. C: Right man. As they walk down the dimly lit corridor the Cat spies a fish sliding down the corridor, it is clearly being pulled on a piece of string from around a corner in the distance. He whoops and runs after it, singing his song. Everyone else looks on in sheer amazement. C: I'm going to eat you little fishy ... L: What the smeg? K: Sir, if this was a bad science fiction film someone would now suggest we split up and go look for him. L: And if it was a good one? K: Well sir, on past evidence we would not be appearing in it. L: So what you're saying is ... The Cat turns the corner and closes in on the fish. C: Cos I like eating ..... He has now noticed two rather large legs next to the fish, he follows them up and is rather shocked to see a nine foot high chicken glaring at him. It says 'Boo!' to him. The Cat screams wildly and passes out. L: Cat, are you alright? C: Yeah, it was all horrible with big wings and claws and a beak and stuff and I ... R: A monster attacked you? C: Not really a monster, it was a massive chicken. L: What? A chicken attacked you? C: Well not really attacked. It said like Boo to me and I must have sort of passed out. R: You were Booed into unconsciousness by a giant chicken? Smegging hell. Next time try and come up with something implausible. K: At least you're alright sir. R: Yeah. Good. L: Ok guys, whatever it was we were lucky. From now on stay together and keep your eyes peeled. C: Lucky? I tore my trousers. It's a mortal wound. R: C: Watch it man or I'll ... L: Cool it guys. They reach the end of the corridor and at the junction they see a sign on the wall "This Way Suckers" with a skull sign below it in black. R: Err, err. I think I left something back in Starbug. I won't be long. K: Oh come now sir. You're not fooling anyone. R: Look at that sign. L: Yeah, it stinks. K: Ah yes, I had noticed a certain aroma. C: I thought it was the fish. L: No, the set up. It's too obviously .... well obvious, you know. It's got to be a trap. K: You are probably correct. R: So we're not just going to walk into it are we? Come on guys, say no, please! L: We're going in, but we stay together. R: Oh Smeg. They set off down the corridor, Rimmer carefully guarding the rear. Half way down the floor starts moving and jets of water spray from the walls. Foam billows up from the floor as they are swept along with the tide. L: Smeg! R: Bloody hell! C: Yoowwwwwwwww! K: This is ridiculous! The team smack into the wall at the end of the corridor. The water and foam drains away and they sit there for a moment. K: Sir. L: Yes Kryten? K: That language you were teaching me yesterday. Can I have the next lesson now? C: My suit's ruined! Someone's going to pay for this. R: Ow, I've hurt my foot. There's a first aid kit in Starbug. I .... K: Sir, you are a hologram. Stop being a total coward. L: Let's get on with this. At the end of the corridor they discover a lift. Lister whacks the button and they hear it start up. The doors open and they all enter warily. L: Where are we going? K: I suggest up sir. R: Good, in that case we'll go down. L: Shut up Rimmer, we're going up. R: That's right, toady up to Captain Cleaner. Lister hits the up button and they wait. Nothing happens. He hits it harder, again with no result. He gives the button a massive thump and seconds later the floor of the lift drops away and they slide down the shaft. L: Smeeeeeeeggggggggggg! At the bottom they find the shaft bends and they are deposited in a swimming pool. Scene Four - A Swimming Pool C: The cleaning bills are really racking up. I hope those dudes got plenty of cash. K: I believe I am beginning to see a pattern. C: Yeah, and I'm beginning to feel a complete ... L: Right. I'm going to find out what's going on. R: L. L.. Look! The gang see several fins sticking up above the water and they're heading towards them. K: If you would all like to get behind me sirs, I should be safer from damage. R: Good idea. Women, cowards and holograms first. L: Just a minute ... K: No time sir. The nearest fin approaches as they cower in terror. It hits Kryten who quickly discovers that there is a small motor attached to the underneath of it and nothing else. K: A fake! L: Smegorama! R: Thank you God. I've always believed in you really you know. I was just pretending for the last 3 million years. L: Let's get out of here. They climb out of the swimming pool and look around. There is only one door out of the pool area. With a sign on it saying clearly saying "No Exit". L: Right guys, lets get on with it. R: Maybe we should stay here and scout around? K: We should go on sir, there must be an explanation for all this. R: A rational one? K: I would not go that far sir. Scene Five - Another Corridor Passing through the door they are again in a corridor much like all the others except for some large and very obvious footprints running down the corridor. They follow them, until they come to a blank wall. R: Well that's it then. We'll have to go back. It's a pity really. I was looking forward to meeting whatever made those prints. L: Smeg! R: Are you alright? L: I've just fallen, right, into this great big vat of amazing vindaloo. K: Can you climb out. L: Not yet, Kryten, it's good stuff. They wait a few minutes and Lister climbs out, he cleans some of the slime off himself and eats it. L: My compliments to the chef. R: You great big goit. What if it was poisoned? Lister looks a tad upset. Kryten whips out the SciScan and runs it up and down him. K: Hmmmm ...... L: What man? What does it say? K: It seems to be malfunctioning sir. It says you are an overweight, out of condition, slob who is badly in need of a bath and has not been poisoned. R: What a relief eh Listy? L: Shut the smeg up Rimmer. They negotiate the curry vat and on the other side find that the corridor continues. They follow it, this time with no surprises and find themselves in the ships recreation room. Lister calls Holly on his watch. Scene Six - The Recreation Room L: Yo Holly, any news? H: I've scanned the ship Dave, there seems to be no life forms except you. L: You sure? H: Well I could be wrong I suppose. It's hard work being a computer you know. You never get any thanks, compute this, check that, open the door. It's one thing after another. L: Thank you Cinderella. Out. R: Did someone say ugly sisters? C: Yeah well, you three do make me look even better than I really am. K: My design is purely functional, not aesthetic. R: So is a bog brush. Can we get on with this? L: Hang on, what's all this stuff? They notice piles of joke books and novelties on the chairs and piled on the table. Lister puts on a party hat and blows a streamer. He picks up a book. L: It's full of jokes. K: Aha, now sir, perhaps we see what is happening. L: Eh? K: Holly said there's no life on board. R: Right. K: But the Cat was attacked. C: Right! K: All the jokes and immature pranks that we've fallen for. L: Yes? K: The ships AI might have gone nuts. Maybe it wiped out the crew with sick practical jokes and decided to go looking for more victims. L: Us! It put the ship right in our way. K: And when it gets tired of playing with us..... R: Oh smeg! C: Hey, it's me that does the playing. No damn machine outsmarts the Cat. I'm mean and I'm nasty and I'm ... R: Stupid. C: Yeah, that's right! Hey, don't mess with me alphabet head. K: Sir, we have got to get off this ship. If we can find the computer room and shut it down we might just get out of this alive. R: Errr. K: I do beg your pardon sir. I completely forgot. L: Which way? K: We need a map. Let's try and find the bridge. They set off down another dark and dingy corridor feeling somewhat nervous. This feeling intensifies as they feel they are being watched. At the end of the corridor is another sign "To The Bridge". They ignore it and set off in the opposite direction. Eventually they get there and take a look around. Scene Seven - The Bridge K: Most systems seem operational. Let me take a look at the controls. R: And don't touch anything. L: Oh come on, what's going to happen? Yow!!!!! Smeg!!!!! R: Yeah man, dig that funky beat. Get down! C: Hey ape-man. I do the dancing round here. Cut it out. L: Those smegging smeggers are really starting to piss me off. K: Sir, I have located the ships log. Playback. CZ: This is Captain Jones of the JMC Orion. We have suffered a computer malfunction. All on board systems have become hostile. The crew is being joked to death. We cannot hold out much longer. Aaarrrghhh, it's the chicken .... K: I hate to say it sir, but I was right. R: Smeg off, you love to say it don't you? K: Now you come to mention it yes. At least I have had the opportunity to do so. L: Is there a map? K: I'm searching for it now. Security systems are blocking access. Attempting to override. C: Look guys, can we get off this rustbucket? I need to change my suit. R: I need to change my underwear. K: I need to change my head and power down for a while. L: I need ten pints of lager with twenty pints of lager for afters. K: Ah, got it. We need to get down to level 4, room 420. C: And I ain't taking no lifts. K: There's always the stairs. Scene Eight - Stairway and Corridor They find and descend a dimly lit staircase until they reach level 4 where they again find themselves in a corrdidor. L: Nobody touch nothing. Keep quiet and lets do the smegger. R: I'll guard the rear. K: You surprise me Sir. L: Come on. They pass a series of signs down the corridor "Turn Back", "Abandon Hop All Ye Who Enter Here", "Go Back Now", "Are You Deaf?", "This Space For Rent", "You Are Going To Die", "I Mean It", "Make My Day" L: This is the room. Open it Kryten. K: If I might ask you Mr Lister exactly how I should go about it? L: Break the code, unlock it. K: There is no lock Sir. R: He's right! There's no door either. C: Maybe they kept getting bothered by Jehovas Witnesses? R: I've heard of paranoia, but taking the door away? Who are these guys. K: The SciScan says the wall's solid Sir. It's a fake, come on. They walk further down the corridor past more signs "Think You're Clever?", "You're Dog Meat", "Die Scum", "I Am Lying", "Come And Get It", "Don't Walk", "You've Had It", "You're Nearly Dead". C: Dog meat? K: Trying to scare us eh. It'll take more than that. R: Sure W... W.. Will. K: Why are you shaking like that Mr Rimmer? R: Errr, It's a projection fault. Smegging light bee. K: Of course Sir. L: Right, here's the door. Lets go. Kryten studies the lock mechanism for some time and then presses a sequence of keys. Nothing happens. He tries again and the door opens, revealing another door. L: Smeg! K: If I may be excused Sir, 110111001 11000110 1100010100 ! C: What did he say? L: I think we'd better not know. R: This is absolutely smegging marvellous. Come on Doctor Domestos, open it. C: Doctor Who? L: I think we'll have to manage without him. Get to work Kryten. K: Yes Sir. Kryten opens the door they find another one. This continues down a corridor. Some thirty eight doors later they find a sign on the next door saying "Last Door". Kryten opens it and they see a sign saying "I Lied About The Map" L: Smegging smeg!!!! C: I warned you buddy. K: Right. We need to make another plan. R: How about one that involves running away rather fast? C: Good plan. K: No Sir, we have to shut the systems down so we can get out. L: Just one thing Kryten. K: Sir? L: When we smeg it, what happens to life support? K: Well, we have to make sure we get out before it runs out. L: I like this we business? It's me that gets smegging suffocated. C: What? It's me as well and I really like me. In fact I'm my favourite person. And everybody elses' of course. L: Hang on, that log. They said JMC Orion. Jupiter Mining Corporation. Holly. H: Yes Dave? L: Dig out the details of the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Orion. Tell us where the computer room is. H: Hang on a tick. I know I've got that somewhere. It's on the tip of my tongue. Err. Ah here it is. Level 2, room 207. K: Two levels down. Come on. They go tearing off down the corridor back to the stairs and head down again. The stairs turn into a slide and they hit the bottom with a crash. L: This is getting very boring guys. C: What hit me? K: Come on, keep moving. Outside the real door this time. Kryten opens it. L: Aha, this is it. C: Let's shut this thing down. Scene Nine - The Computer Room They go in and find themselves in a room strangely empty of big cabinets and flashing lights. There are some monitor screens and keyboards and a small box in the middle of the room. Kryten starts working on the systems. An ominous noise starts to build up. K: Damn! It's cut in the auto destruct. V: Destruct sequence initiated. Detonation in 5 minutes. L: Oh smeg. Get moving Kryten. C: Yeah man, or we're going to get a wake up call we'll never forget. K: I'm trying my best. R: Come on God, let us off this time. I'll be good I promise. I know I've been a total smeghead all my life. I'll change, honest. V: Detonation in 4 minutes 30 seconds. R: We're all going to die!! What am I saying? You're all going to die! K: Almost got it. V: Detonation in 4 minutes. K: Nearly there. V: Destruct sequence overridden. Holding at 3 minutes 30 seconds. L: Come on, zap the smegger, let's do it! K: Ok sir, give me a moment. I'm working on it. V: System shutdown confirmed. All systems offline. R: Ha, Ha. I had my fingers crossed behind my back. Everything goes quiet and then an alarm goes off. C: They're playing my song again guys. K: Might I suggest sir that we now put Mr Rimmers plan into immediate effect. L: Run like buggery? K: Yes Sir. R: Charge! They go dashing down corridors guided by Holly heading for the airlock and Starbug. Kryten has to open various doors but there are no serious obstacles. L: Here we are! C: We made it guys. Whhhheeee, I'm so cool. R: Open up. Scene Ten - Starbug Kryten does so and they pile into Starbug. C: Let's go, let's go. K: Engines started, disengaging. L: What are we going to do with the ship? K: Sir, I've wired a manual trigger to the bomb. We can blow it from Red Dwarf. L: Good idea. We can't just leave it lying around. R: But that ship's valuable salvage. Space Corps Directive ..... K: Oh do shut up Sir. The trip back to Red Dwarf is short and uneventful. Scene Eleven - Red Dwarf Observation Dome H: Welcome back folks. I hope you had a good time. C: Yeah, I laughed so much I nearly died. K: Have you considered Mr Lister Sir that we got out of there very easily? L: Oh yeah, we had a real stroll didn't we? K: The computer was insane, perhaps it wanted to die. R: Well it was good to do it a favour, bring a little happiness into the world. Ours. L: Yeah, we're real smegging do gooders. Blow it up Kryten. K: Ok. Kryten presses a button and the Orion explodes. C: It's like the fourth of July. L: Or the ninth of September. When they nuked the Houses Of Whatsit in 1998. It was an accident apparently. R: Oh yes, an accident. Could have happened to anybody. L: Could have happened a lot sooner. Serves them right for privatising the army though. R: Hmmm. K: If I have to open one more door today I shall probably melt myself down for scrap. L: Where's that wicked strength lager? C: Hey! I missed sixteen sleeps already today. I'm off for some shuteye. Scene Twelve - The Living Quarters R: It's good to be back home eh? L: Yeah, you know something Rimmer? R: What? L: Do you believe in reincarnation and that shit? R: Eh? L: I was just thinking, we must all been real mean bastards in a previous life to get all this smeg. R: We could be just lucky? L: Smegging lucky? Are you insane? No, forget it. Lister rummages around in the storage locker from some time and emerges with a rather large ostrich egg and a carton of birdseed. R: Where are you going with that? L: I'm going to leave it by the Cat's door, where he's bound to see it. R: Excellent idea! L: Holly, rustle up some of that lager will you. I'll be right back. H: Sure Dave. Lister takes the party streamer out of his pocket and blows it at Rimmer. Then he throws it in the bin and walks out with the egg. Rimmer sniggers to himself. R: Holly. H: Yes Arnold? R: Did you make those modifications to the lift? H: Yes I did. But I think you're going to be sorry. Rimmer waits expectantly looking at his watch. He taps his foot. Then there is a very loud shout of 'Smeeeeegggggg!' followed by a tremendous splash. R: Err Holly. I think I'd like to be turned off for a day or so, under the circumstances. No, make it a week. I think I need a holiday. Rimmer disappears. Lister enters, absolutely soaking wet. He is carrying a holowhip and looking rather mean. L: Ha ha! Good joke Rimmer. Come on out so I can tell you show you just how good it was. You smegger, come out so I can hit you. H: He's turned off Dave. For a week. L: Make it two would you. No, I think three is better. H: Yes Dave. Lister drinks deeply, pours some on his head and sits on the bunk. Peace and quiet at last. THE END, AT LAST